Dear Readers,
 
This past weekend I completed a fascinating course about the 38 Bach Flower Remedies, allowing me to incorporate them into my practice at long last. For those of you who are unfamiliar with these remedies, it is rather amazing as to how deeply and effectively they can contribute to one's healing process. It was truly mind-blowing to get properly acquainted with each of the essence profiles and to recognize personal themes as well as to spot themes observed in clients, family members, and friends. Part of the course work involved hands-on practice and, in addition to sitting in on several cases, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to be one of the cases for the class myself.

​Having had a couple of weeks to contemplate what I wanted to work on, I really took a good look at my life, at both concrete and abstract things associated to the experience of suffering. Not just things in passing, but things I have observed as part of a pattern over the course of my lifetime, a pattern peppered with things that are obvious and things that shapeshift, oftentimes so seamlessly and cleverly that I can only see them in retrospect... and sometimes only after the damage has been done. Just because I play the role of practitioner doesn't mean I'm without wounding or above it all. No way, no how. I'm as human as they come. So, despite being in a position of exposing vulnerabilities to a group of professionals in class, and despite now exposing these vulnerabilities in a more public arena, I am committed to my own healing process and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the more transparent I am in life and the more courage I have to face my demons head-on, the more clear and the more effective I will be in terms of myself and in terms of my service to others.
 
When the time came and I was called upon to sit at the front of the class, I asked for help with a pattern of self-sabotage and described a variety of ways that I've noticed it tends to manifest in my life. With the assistance of a gifted instructor and wonderful classmates, I uncovered certain beliefs and themes underlying this pattern of self-sabotage that has, and still does, play out in a myriad of ways and wreak havoc in my life. Despite how things may look from the outside, ultimately the mechanism that fuels the pattern and how it manifests outwardly is that inwardly, I believe I am undeserving of love, happiness, and success, and that my perception of attaining those things must always be kept just out of my reach.
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Ludicrous, right?! I KNOW.
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​But what's even more ludicrous is that I am far from alone. Despite feeling alone, I know FOR FACT that many of us have patterns of self-sabotage and many of us hold subconscious beliefs about being undeserving and unworthy. We may have different patterns and hold different beliefs, but this is a lot more common than you may think. And so, despite whatever vulnerabilities this may expose, this is precisely why I wanted to write this post about self-sabotage and the stories we tell ourselves – I’m writing it for those of you who may also have this going on in one way or another and who feel alone.
 
In starting to work with this pattern, I found myself getting back to contemplating something which has always captivated me. My closest friends and clients, the ones who are always keen to nerd it up and to dive deep with me, know how intrigued I am by the dualistic themes of pain/pleasure and punishment/reward. How we use food, substances, people, money, sex, etc. to plug into those dualistic themes and how that, in turn, is linked to our identity and entire perception of Self.
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​As always, some questions for further reflection:

• Are you aware of any personal patterns of self-sabotage?

• Do you notice yourself engaging in things and behaviours which serve to undermine you despite your best efforts?

• Do you notice yourself perpetuating cycles of pain-pleasure/punishment-reward?

• If so, are you aware of the people/substances/things you use to fuel those cycles?

• Do you notice certain addictive behaviours or tendencies determining what you must have/can’t have and how that plays on your self-worth?

• How do you use your relationship to food to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationship to substances to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationships with people to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationship to money to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationship to sex to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• Are you aware of how those relationships and the cycles they perpetuate are tied into who you believe you are and what you believe about yourself?

• Are you aware of how those relationships and the cycles they perpetuate are tied into what you believe about others and about life?

In addition to facilitating local and distance sessions, I am now starting to work with the Bach Flower Remedies to provide extra support as needed. Please don’t hesitate to contact me HERE with questions or for further info!

Dear Readers,

I don't know if it's the liberation promised by the recent full moon in Scorpio, the five planets in retrograde for the first time in over 10 years, or Venus having entered into Taurus but somehow, I'm feeling more at peace within myself and in my life than I have in several years. Not in a complacent or a resigned sort of way, but in a very grounded, deep stillness sort of way. For however long it may last, a certain restlessness of the spirit seems to have calmed itself, gracing me with a grateful moment of respite and healing. While some things continue to move forward with swiftness, others have all but ground to a halt and it's only in this perceived pause that I can finally see to what extent I'd been living in the past or projecting into the future, and where, amidst all my busy-ness and distraction, I'd been taking some profoundly beautiful elements and aspects of my life for granted.

In this slowing down, I’ve also had the opportunity to get back to my inner self and to contemplating ideas of personal and professional relevance. While I’ve been inspired to write about this subject since launching my blog last summer, these Musings work in their own timing and clearly, certain pieces had to fall into place before it could find its way onto the page. Some of what I will share today may ask for an open mind, but like with anything, I always say take what resonates and leave the rest. I am not here to convince you of anything, just to throw some ideas around. Below, I invite you to join me in an exploration on the topic of Guilt and Fear and, as per usual, I will leave you with some questions for further reflection before I sign off.

In my intro above I made several references to current cosmic happenings. For those of you who don't know me, I'm rather intrigued by astrology - not the cheesy pop astrology you’ll find at the back of a magazine or in the daily newspaper, but the real deal that illustrates the truth that we live in a holistic universe where every bit of matter, every bit of energy and every BEing impacts the rest of the universe in subtle ways. Though far from well-versed, I'm always reading and learning, deeply fascinated by how each planet, house, and sign represent archetypes of consciousness and how their interaction serves not to cause but to simply mirror, to describe, to “act out” our personal and collective experience, like a play.

​Unexpectedly, in late 2015 I had quite the eye-opening reading with astrologer Rick DiClemente, author of "The Exquisite Zodiac". If you can manage to wrap your mind around this, Rick specializes in applying harmonics to your natal chart in the aim to extract the themes and lessons you have come to master in this lifetime and to illustrate how those lessons are weaved into your destiny or what is known as your "Hero's Journey". If it sounds complicated, it’s not – complex, perhaps, but even having no knowledge of astrology whatsoever, Rick breaks it down in such a way that you can really see and understand the link between what you’re here to master and how that ties into your destiny. It’s a brilliant process, I was rapt, it all made sense and I'm still working with what was uncovered.
 
Now, you may be wondering what all this has to do with guilt and fear but rest assured, there is a method to my madness. I'm bringing it up because, though not the only theme - nor applicable to everyone’s experience - one of the strongest themes that Rick has observed in these readings is the sheer amount of GUILT and FEAR we humans are carrying around and are now working to bring into balance. Nevermind that the vast majority of us were brought up in a guilt and fear-based family environment and/or culture and/or religion (raise of hands, anyone?!) but the consciousness of guilt and fear has permeated our very existence spanning eons and epochs and lifetimes.
 
If this theme is particularly relevant to your own Hero’s Journey, it is possible that the extent to which it pervades your life, your relationships, and the health of your physical body is now coming into sharp focus. The weight of it can be crippling, utterly unbearable, because it is asking for your full attention, ready to shift bigtime. In Rick’s January 2016 newsletter, he discusses the ingrained culture, the "age" of "Mea Culpa" and how a personal and collective transition is underway to bring this age to an end, to shed this heavy sludge and step into our higher calling for once and for all.
 
Just as Rick, in his particular field of expertise, has observed how much guilt and fear we’re carrying around individually and collectively, I, too, have observed it in mine – in nearly a decade of practice I can’t tell you how often it comes up in session and how often it can come up for the same client as new layers are ready to be purged and released. While natural and pathological consciousness of the body almost always comes up to be addressed in the work I do, there is also a different set of themes categorized as “General Consciousness”, broader themes which pertain to the entire bodymind and to one’s experience of life, tied into one’s conditioning, belief systems, programs etc. One of these such themes is that of guilt and fear. Sometimes the way they manifest in our life is blatantly obvious, yet they can also be stealthy. Ultimately, we live out our issues around guilt and fear through CONTROL and JUDGMENT.
 
We attempt to control ourselves, others, or situations because:
We already feel fear about something or wish to avoid it
We already feel guilt about something or wish to avoid it
 
We judge ourselves, others, or situations because:
We already feel fear about something or wish to avoid it
We already feel guilt about something or wish to avoid it
 
All of this control and judgment has not only the capacity to wreak havoc in our relationships, but the rigidity it depends on to live day in and day out from such a heightened state of defense can manifest as chronic pain in the body. Imagine how much mental and emotional energy it takes to constantly monitor your actions and other people’s actions in the guise of protection - it is exhausting for the bodymind to endure and eventually, it will take its toll.
 
When we are able to release our attachment to guilt and fear, the need for control and judgment-driven behaviour gives way to spontaneous actions, authentic interaction, a significant reduction in stress, and improvements in health on all levels.
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​As always, here are my questions for further reflection. While they may not be the most comfortable questions, there is no one to answer to other than yourself – and in any case...

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• How aware are you of guilt and fear in your life and how you live them out?

• How much energy do you invest in controlling yourself, controlling others, controlling situations or your environment?

• Do you micro-manage yourself and others so not to feel “out of control”?

• Are you truly authentic in your actions or do you project a false personality with a hidden agenda?

• How important is it how others perceive you?

• Do you work hard at keeping up appearances?

• How judgmental are you of yourself and/or others?

• Do you use avoidance as a means to an end?

• Do you stop yourself from saying certain things or doing certain things to please others?

• Do you have chronic pain that will not seem to go away despite your best efforts?

If you or anyone you know is struggling with issues around guilt or fear, are caught up in control and judgment, or are dealing with stubborn chronic pain that won’t heal, I am available for local sessions in Montreal and in Pointe-Claire, and for sessions via distance to anywhere in the world. Please don’t hesitate to contact me HERE with questions or for further info.