I am aware it has been an eternity since I have posted on my blog. To be honest, like all of you, I have been going through a lot. In one way or another, we are all being pushed to some very uncomfortable places within us - whether physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or all of the above. Though I earn a living facilitating relief for those who invite my expertise, I am acutely aware that perhaps the most significant factors that have contributed to the success of my healing practice are my sheer humanness, my personal relationship to struggle, and never leading anyone to believe that I am above it all. Over time, in observing myself and others, I have understood that healing can be a very humbling process, especially when what appears in our reality leaves us feeling scared, disempowered, limited, and vulnerable. It is so easy to forget the vast intelligence of our body when it breaks down and it is so easy to forget the vast intelligence of the planet and universe we inhabit. It is so easy to lose faith in life itself when things seem so desolate and grim, but the truth is that our body will inherently always try to heal itself and that life will inherently always try to provide that which to support us on our journey.
Although I have yet to really broach the subject publicly, some of you know that I have been inactive on social media for a few years now. All I can say is that very suddenly, I started to feel intense anxiety every time I would log on to my Facebook newsfeed. I had experienced this once before in 2014 and had been offline for about a year before launching my blog, but it was different this time around. When I stopped going online in the spring of 2017 it didn’t feel like a personal decision - it felt like I was being forcefully pulled away, and that I had no choice but to yield. It was as though there was an incredible force repelling me both physically and mentally from engaging online. As all this was going on, I also started to become increasingly aware of a shift in the way I felt about my gym, which many of you know had been my home away from home for the past six years. Just like with Facebook and other social media sites, I felt like I was being repelled from that environment and knew I needed to pay attention to those feelings. So, without knowing why all of this was happening and unaware of the underlying thread at the time, I chose to follow my instincts and to make some changes. Instead of spending hours online scrolling through my newsfeed, I chose to invest those hours into exploring topics of interest, just doing my own thing for the pure joy of it. And as my gym membership was coming up for renewal, I took the plunge and ventured elsewhere to experiment with a change of pace and to get creative with my workouts based on everything I had learned.
To my surprise, the more I honoured the changes and followed my intuition, the more I pulled back from the public eye and just quietly did my own thing, really good things started to happen. Instead of feeling isolated or like I was missing out, I felt invigorated, inspired, and fulfilled. Instead of being lonely, I began to experience deeper authentic connection with myself and others, much more enjoyment in my personal life overall, and my schedule was somehow bursting with amazing clients coming out of nowhere. For the life of me I couldn’t understand what was happening, but it was like night and day - the shift was undeniable.
Towards the end of 2017, amidst my geeky explorations and what turned out to be a pretty high-octane chapter of transformation in itself, I was called back to investigate something I had originally discovered years ago: Human Design. Without getting into it in this post, all I will say is that Human Design was like a bolt of lightning that shifted everything - not only did it explain why I had been intuitively guided to make the changes I did, but continued to shift the way I engage with the public, the way I engage in relationships, in business, and even the way I approach fitness and nutrition.
As I began to study the physiology associated to the nine centers of the body according to Human Design, and specifically the center linked to our identity, love, and direction, I suddenly found myself questioning my relationship to alcohol. In terms of physiology, the center that is linked to our identity corresponds to the liver and to the blood. Within this center also exists what is referred to as the Magnetic Monopole, which acts like a compass, and which holds our body and mind together, allowing our conscious and unconscious aspects to experience a unique perspective as it pulls us along our trajectory or life path. My study of Human Design had me wondering if alcohol was possibly disrupting the function of my Magnetic Monopole, thus potentially blocking the natural flow of what life was wanting to gift me along my trajectory. It was only as I started becoming curious about this, that the stark reality of some of my worst coping mechanisms came to light and I started to connect the dots about the changes I had been guided to make over the last several years.
Though I was high-functioning, no longer getting drunk, no longer going into blackout or waking up hungover like I did in the past, the truth is that I was drinking wine every night and came to realize last summer that I was drinking to keep myself comfortably numb in the face of some deep things I was afraid to feel and to address head-on. While I will save my sobriety journey for another post, suffice it to say that July 7th was a full year since I stopped drinking alcohol and it has been a completely life-altering experience for the better.
So the past fifteen months have proven to be the most radical experiment of self-care and self-love that I have ever been courageous enough to attempt because I made the connection between all the things that had been serving to distract me and to keep me numb over the years, and I chose to experiment with abstinence. Without incessant newsfeed scrolling, competitive exercise, alcohol, coffee, cigarettes, or drugs of any kind to serve as a buffer, I have been facing all of my triggers RAW, living life up close and personal in a way I was never able to before. And though I can’t say that my current choices will be forever choices, they are what I need right now, allowing me to do the most profound inner work I have ever done and to bravely make bigger and bolder changes to support my personal and professional fulfillment.
Wishing each and every one of you peace and well-being on your path. Thanks for stopping by the blog and hopefully it won’t be so long until my next post 💖