​Dear Readers,
 
I am aware it has been an eternity since I have posted on my blog. To be honest, like all of you, I have been going through a lot. In one way or another, we are all being pushed to some very uncomfortable places within us - whether physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or all of the above. Though I earn a living facilitating relief for those who invite my expertise, I am acutely aware that perhaps the most significant factors that have contributed to the success of my healing practice are my sheer humanness, my personal relationship to struggle, and never leading anyone to believe that I am above it all. Over time, in observing myself and others, I have understood that healing can be a very humbling process, especially when what appears in our reality leaves us feeling scared, disempowered, limited, and vulnerable. It is so easy to forget the vast intelligence of our body when it breaks down and it is so easy to forget the vast intelligence of the planet and universe we inhabit. It is so easy to lose faith in life itself when things seem so desolate and grim, but the truth is that our body will inherently always try to heal itself and that life will inherently always try to provide that which to support us on our journey.

I have titled this post “The Big Reveal” not because what I have to share compares to the great trials and accomplishments I see in others around me, but because it will explain to you, should you care to know, why I have been off the grid for so long. As it turns out, the past fifteen months have proven to be the most radical experiment of self-care and self-love that I have ever been courageous enough to attempt, a culmination perhaps of a powerful and mysterious process that began several years ago as certain things began to fall away.
 
Although I have yet to really broach the subject publicly, some of you know that I have been inactive on social media for a few years now. All I can say is that very suddenly, I started to feel intense anxiety every time I would log on to my Facebook newsfeed. I had experienced this once before in 2014 and had been offline for about a year before launching my blog, but it was different this time around. When I stopped going online in the spring of 2017 it didn’t feel like a personal decision - it felt like I was being forcefully pulled away, and that I had no choice but to yield. It was as though there was an incredible force repelling me both physically and mentally from engaging online. As all this was going on, I also started to become increasingly aware of a shift in the way I felt about my gym, which many of you know had been my home away from home for the past six years. Just like with Facebook and other social media sites, I felt like I was being repelled from that environment and knew I needed to pay attention to those feelings. So, without knowing why all of this was happening and unaware of the underlying thread at the time, I chose to follow my instincts and to make some changes. Instead of spending hours online scrolling through my newsfeed, I chose to invest those hours into exploring topics of interest, just doing my own thing for the pure joy of it. And as my gym membership was coming up for renewal, I took the plunge and ventured elsewhere to experiment with a change of pace and to get creative with my workouts based on everything I had learned.
 
To my surprise, the more I honoured the changes and followed my intuition, the more I pulled back from the public eye and just quietly did my own thing, really good things started to happen. Instead of feeling isolated or like I was missing out, I felt invigorated, inspired, and fulfilled. Instead of being lonely, I began to experience deeper authentic connection with myself and others, much more enjoyment in my personal life overall, and my schedule was somehow bursting with amazing clients coming out of nowhere. For the life of me I couldn’t understand what was happening, but it was like night and day - the shift was undeniable.
 
Towards the end of 2017, amidst my geeky explorations and what turned out to be a pretty high-octane chapter of transformation in itself, I was called back to investigate something I had originally discovered years ago: Human Design. Without getting into it in this post, all I will say is that Human Design was like a bolt of lightning that shifted everything - not only did it explain why I had been intuitively guided to make the changes I did, but continued to shift the way I engage with the public, the way I engage in relationships, in business, and even the way I approach fitness and nutrition.
 
As I began to study the physiology associated to the nine centers of the body according to Human Design, and specifically the center linked to our identity, love, and direction, I suddenly found myself questioning my relationship to alcohol. In terms of physiology, the center that is linked to our identity corresponds to the liver and to the blood. Within this center also exists what is referred to as the Magnetic Monopole, which acts like a compass, and which holds our body and mind together, allowing our conscious and unconscious aspects to experience a unique perspective as it pulls us along our trajectory or life path. My study of Human Design had me wondering if alcohol was possibly disrupting the function of my Magnetic Monopole, thus potentially blocking the natural flow of what life was wanting to gift me along my trajectory. It was only as I started becoming curious about this, that the stark reality of some of my worst coping mechanisms came to light and I started to connect the dots about the changes I had been guided to make over the last several years.
 
Though I was high-functioning, no longer getting drunk, no longer going into blackout or waking up hungover like I did in the past, the truth is that I was drinking wine every night and came to realize last summer that I was drinking to keep myself comfortably numb in the face of some deep things I was afraid to feel and to address head-on. While I will save my sobriety journey for another post, suffice it to say that July 7th was a full year since I stopped drinking alcohol and it has been a completely life-altering experience for the better.
 
So the past fifteen months have proven to be the most radical experiment of self-care and self-love that I have ever been courageous enough to attempt because I made the connection between all the things that had been serving to distract me and to keep me numb over the years, and I chose to experiment with abstinence. Without incessant newsfeed scrolling, competitive exercise, alcohol, coffee, cigarettes, or drugs of any kind to serve as a buffer, I have been facing all of my triggers RAW, living life up close and personal in a way I was never able to before. And though I can’t say that my current choices will be forever choices, they are what I need right now, allowing me to do the most profound inner work I have ever done and to bravely make bigger and bolder changes to support my personal and professional fulfillment.

That’s where I’m at!

​Wishing each and every one of you peace and well-being on your path. Thanks for stopping by the blog and hopefully it won’t be so long until my next post 💖​

​---

​​
​Dear Readers,
 
In all honesty I had no idea a new Musing would arrive so hot on the heels of my last one, but that's one thing I love about this journey - being constantly kept on my toes and made to walk that fine line between expecting nothing and staying open to everything! As always, the content of this post stems from the fruits of my own personal and professional experience, and I can only hope that the time spent reading and contemplating these ideas will be of value to you.

​​Not long into my last Musing about ​​Self-Care and the Medicine of Who We Are, I mention a process I’ve become increasingly aware of in the context of my practice whereby my clients act as somewhat of a collective voice, delivering subconscious material which I am in turn asked to decode, digest, and reflect back once the material has become conscious and has been worked through. As I become further accustomed to this process, it seems that more and more is being delivered for exploration and contemplation.
 
​That said, quite shortly after publishing my last post I met with a new client who had been struggling with something rather elusive for the past two decades to no avail. As the client elaborated about their life and certain experiences, despite a calm and collected exterior, I could sense a tsunami under the surface, a storm in the silence between their words. To my amazement, immediately upon beginning the energy work portion of the session, a theme suddenly blew up - and as my empathic gifts are often filtered through my intellect, they showed up as two big, bold words: COMPROMISE and SACRIFICE. Following the words themselves came much imagery to illustrate how this client's life force had literally been squashed since early childhood, and that compromise and sacrifice lay at the root of the manifestation of their symptoms. Like clockwork, following that session, sessions with other clients began to deliver a similar message and so, without hesitation I started to decode, digest, and distill.
 
From a young age, as we begin to socialize with siblings and other humans big and small, we are taught about what’s MINE and what’s YOURS and about SHARING and BEING KIND. If we are raised in a relatively functional household we are often encouraged to understand what it means to be a "fair and honourable" individual. Our role models’ understanding of those concepts however, and our own understanding of those concepts, is open to vast interpretation. Though a concept is a concept, it is never black and white - it is a multidimensional "field" that will be experienced differently according to the particular beliefs and conditioning packed into it for each individual. And so, what with so much guilt and fear polluting our respective and collective bloodlines, what may be initially presented and intended as something positive and constructive can potentially manifest as a destructive distortion.
 
Therefore, while the ability to "reach a place of compromise" or to "sacrifice something for the good of everyone involved" may have social and interpersonal benefits, there is a great difference between that and compromising or sacrificing one’s SELF for the sake of someone or something. ​
 
To quote my last Musing: "we are akin to lighthouses and the natural light within each of us has its own specific frequency, its own specific vibration. It is this unique inner light, this unique frequency of our individual consciousness that underlies the medicine of who we are. With each of us carrying organic keys and codes within us, it is through these keys and codes that we have the capacity to heal ourselves, to heal each other, and our planet. When we detach from what serves to control us and to drain us - and take the time to resource with that which nourishes and sustains us - we are able to uncover our unique inner light and get back to what is most important, which is being the medicine of who we are."

​The time is now to take a good look at your life and to examine where you’ve been told you're TOO MUCH or NOT ENOUGH, where you yourself have adopted the belief that you’re TOO MUCH or NOT ENOUGH, and where you may tend to compromise and sacrifice your Self as a result.
​

​As we come to a close, the point I'm trying to make here isn't about rebellion or anarchy. It​​ ​isn't about angry defiance or arrogance. ​Once again, it is about opening our eyes and becoming aware of where we allow our consciousness to be manipulated and controlled, funnelled and siphoned. It is about the will to thrive, about stepping into our personal power from a place of genuine self-love and healthy self-esteem, about aligning to those who believe in us and support our greatest vision, about recognizing ourselves and being the inspirational pioneering spirits we were born to be... ✨

​Before signing off, I will leave you with some questions for further reflection. As always, these questions are asked from a place of curiosity and there is no one but yourself to answer to:

​* Can you see the difference between reaching a place of compromise for mutual benefit and compromising your SELF to please or to appease?
 
* Do you experience chronic feelings of anger and resentment, sadness and depression, worry and anxiety? If so, can you relate those feelings to situations or relationships in your life where you may be knowingly or unknowingly compromising and sacrificing your Self?
 
* Have you grown to believe you’re not enough, or that it’s selfish of you to follow your dreams, to invest in the people, places and things that make your heart sing?
 
* Have you grown to believe you're too loud, too honest, too bright, "too" whatever? ​What is it that makes you stand out?​​ What are the qualities you embody that others may feel threatened by and want to tame in you?​​ What qualities have you learned to fear and to tame in yourself?

​Dear Readers,
 
Looking at the date of my last blog post, it seems I am long overdue to publish some new material. As you know however, my commitment to you has always been quality over quantity, and the quality of what I share depends on the quality of what I distill from my personal life lessons. In retrospect I realize it was right around the publication of my last post that I felt the pull to unofficially unplug myself from social media, an extended break which continues to this very day. More of a pull than a decision, I now understand that I was being guided to focus my attention and energy elsewhere. And so, throughout the entire spring and summer of this year, this guidance drew me to devote much time to my work, to my creativity, to exploring what and who is truly important to me, and to make certain necessary changes in my life. Interestingly, in the time I've taken away from social media not only have I been experiencing a greater level of connection than I have in years, but I am busier in my practice than I have ever been. 
 
As always, the timing of this post has definite purpose, and I can only hope that the content will prove to be as valuable to you as it is to me. In the six months since my last piece there has been so much growth, and it is from that growth that I share with you my new Musing on the topic of Self-Care and the Medicine of Who We Are.

​
​As a practitioner in the field of holistic health for almost a full decade now, I have seen a lot of clients and have noticed that a particular trend will often arise amongst them in a given timeframe. As the cornerstone of my practice is rooted in mutual respect and the understanding that my client and I hold keys of healing for one another, I also understand that the trends I notice represent specific topics seeking my own attention and exploration.

​What with the recent trend having been so highly focused on the topic of self-care, I knew this was something I was being asked to look at deeply within the context of my own life and experience. Having been led to such important insights over the course of the last several months, I had originally wanted to write about self-care as a standalone piece. However, in light of all that has been so graciously delivered to me and encouraged through the collective voice of my clients, I couldn’t help but see the interconnectedness between self-care and what I have come to revere as the "medicine of who we are". And so, as I am reminded of things by you from a rather subconscious medium of transmission, I am in turn asked to reflect these very things back to you once they have become conscious.
 
That said, one of the major components of my work is to really actively LISTEN; not only to actively listen to what is being said out loud, but to understand the messages conveyed between the spoken words. Although many clients had been coming in asking for help with motivation in terms of self-care, the consistent message I could hear blaring behind that was that they felt broken and on some level were hoping our sessions would somehow "fix them into fixing themselves". Compounding the feeling of being broken was the feeling of being further broken because they lacked the motivation to fix their brokenness. It was as though they were all saying, "What is so wrong with me that I can’t even seem to be motivated to fix what is wrong with me?"
 
The more I listened to what was being conveyed between the spoken words, the more I thought about the importance of the energy and intention behind the concept of self-care. Though in theory, self-care denotes CARING for ONESELF, I realized that in practice it is often rooted in self-loathing, in self-criticism, in violent dissatisfaction, in comparison, in wanting to fix something perceived as broken or defective, in seeking a personal or collective ideal of perfection.

​I also realized that the approach to self-care was often goal-oriented, that the targeted focus was perceived as something arduous to achieve which required deprivation and motivation, rather than something perceived as exciting and liberating, inspired from a place of enthusiasm.
 
No matter the targeted focus of the desired self-care routine, whether it be changing our diet, implementing a new exercise regimen, breaking an addiction, going for therapy, delving into spirituality, etc... what is the energy and intention behind that focus?
 
Louder and louder was the message that we must get honest and really ask ourselves: is the desire to initiate these changes truly coming from a place of caring for ourselves, or is it in the guise of caring for ourselves and yet rooted in something else?
​
​

​Whether we say we HAVE TO or even that we WANT TO
- HAVE TO lose weight, WANT TO meditate, etc. -
What makes us feel we HAVE TO? What is it that drives the WANT?
​
​

​In spite of all the lip service we give to self-care being from a perspective of inspired action and choice, the truth is that quite often these changes are initiated as a form of self-flagellation propelled by personal and societal pressure, and in measure of CONSEQUENCE - of what we stand to lose if we don’t make those changes.
​

​Often in the name of self-care we turn to externals, looking for medicine and healing outside of ourselves and hope that whatever internal efforts we make will shift how we appear to the outside world. And so, this is where we begin to introduce the next topic. In our extensive quest to heal and to fix what we have been led to believe is wrong with us, in all of our shame, guilt, and fear, in getting so wrapped up in what we have been convinced we must do to be healed, whole, lovable and worthy, we remain ignorant to the powerful medicine OF WHO WE ARE.
 
Despite what we are told, the biggest war these days is not on terror, nor on drugs, nor on cancer, nor on whatever you have been led to believe. The biggest war is an invisible war - it is a war on CONSCIOUSNESS. Way above and beyond anything we could possibly own, our consciousness is our most precious commodity and, whether we realize it or not, it is consistently being tapped in order to keep us locked in a vicious cycle of fear and consumption.
 
On the surface, advancements in technology seem to encourage us to connect and to interface with others, to help foster a sense of unity. In reality however, these advancements provide an increasingly insidious framework to bombard us with strategic advertising geared to target our vulnerabilities, erode our self-esteem, amplify our sense of dissatisfaction, and prod us to invest - both financially and energetically - in whatever it is that is touted to make us feel happy and whole.

​What is presented as something to foster a sense of unity is in truth cleverly designed to both keep us feeling alienated and to assimilate us into a hive mind. Little by little we are being profiled and exploited, turned into drones, tied up in invisible mental and emotional nets. Often completely unbeknownst to us, our consciousness is being manipulated and controlled, funnelled and siphoned by unseen forces. Despite the concrete and natural challenges we face in life, there exists an abundance of invisible artificial intelligence set to capture our attention and energy, to keep us feeling drained and sick, anxious and depressed, dissatisfied and envious, and ultimately to turn us against ourselves and against one another.
 
While it may seem that this post is all about doom and gloom, do not be mistaken. As you read further, you will see that essentially, everything discussed in this article is in the aim of helping you to become aware of the frequencies you are dialled into and aware of the interrelationship between those frequencies and the frequency you emit.
​

As originally discussed in Awakening to Authenticity through the Heart, our entire life we are conditioned to believe that we start at zero and must build, add, and acquire to be good enough, that we must always strive to be better, that there is always something to improve. We are conditioned to constantly look outside of ourselves for the perfect template, technique, modality, diet, image, completely hypnotized and driven by this all-pervasive, deep-seated belief that the focus is to BECOME rather than to BE.

​As this conditioning is amped up with greater and greater intensity with the help of artificial intelligence, as we buy into everything fake and staged woven seamlessly into the news, into the internet and social media platforms, our consciousness is unwittingly hijacked and bound to a vicious cycle of fear and consumption.
 
Hence, the concept of self-care is further and further tied to the void we are made to feel and to what we are made to feel we must do to fill it up. Held hostage by ULTIMATUMS and CONSEQUENCES, the system understands that the more we hate ourselves, the more alienated we will become, the more anxious and depressed we will be, and the more we will feed into the system.
 
Fortunately however, behind these skin suits and beyond the convincing deceptions of this harsh reality, we are not only infinite and eternal beings, but are true masters of creativity and manifestation. As mentioned in the article I linked to above, we are akin to lighthouses and the natural light within each of us has its own specific frequency, its own specific vibration. It is this unique inner light, this unique frequency of our individual consciousness that underlies the medicine of who we are. With each of us carrying organic keys and codes within us, it is through these keys and codes that we have the capacity to heal ourselves, to heal each other, and our planet. When we detach from what serves to control us and to drain us - and take the time to resource with that which nourishes and sustains us - we are able to uncover our unique inner light and get back to what is most important, which is being the medicine of who we are.
 
Thus, true self-care is not about fixing what is broken or about avoiding a given consequence. True self-care is about becoming aware of the natural and engineered sources funneling and siphoning our consciousness, about choosing what and who we must unplug from in order to plug back into ourselves. Ultimately, true self-care is a sacred practice that serves to reignite the unique inner light within, to cultivate and nourish our individual consciousness, to gather our organic keys and codes, to honour and share the medicine of who we are.
 
Though life will always present circumstances of constraint and a certain amount of stress, we must begin to decipher how much of it is natural and how much of it is engineered. How willing are we to unveil all that serves to control our consciousness, seen and unseen, to extract ourselves from those mental and emotional nets, to take responsibility for our individual consciousness and how we wield it?

As I stated earlier, just as our consciousness is manipulated and influenced by our environment, our environment is manipulated and influenced by our consciousness. The more we become aware of where our consciousness is ensnared both naturally and artificially, and begin the process of plugging back into ourselves and unleashing the powerful medicine of who we are, the more our individual consciousness will displace the current state of the collective.
​

​When we walk into a room or when others walk into the space we occupy what effect do we wish to have? Do we wish to be experienced as a doormat, as an insatiable black hole, or as a bright flame in the darkness with the potential to rekindle other flames?

​To have an uplifting and positive effect on our environment, which people, places, activities or things must we unplug from to shift our consciousness to where we want it to be?

​No matter what is going on in our life, and no matter the hats we wear - husband, wife, lover, parent, sibling, child, friend, teacher, student, employee, employer, etc. - there is always more going on than meets the eye and we always have much more power and choice than we are led to believe.

​In closing, and as we make our way towards the end of 2017, it is time for us to truly awaken, to remember our immense power, to take responsibility for our individual consciousness and how we wield it. Above all, may this article encourage true caring for self from a perspective of INSPIRED ACTION and CHOICE rooted in the energy of pride, love, and joy, allowing us to reignite our inner light with zeal and to unleash the formidable medicine of who we are.
​

Dear Readers,
 
Six months ago we had a series of eclipses that were particularly catalyzing for me, which led to many revelations. In these revelations gleaned through much inner struggle and deep processing, I believed I had successfully worked through what was being catalyzed, that I had truly learned the lesson. That episode of my life, though turbulent, was what led to my last Musing on unconditional love, and for those understandings I am most grateful. Interestingly, soon after publishing that post I went back to edit one sentence... it was a detail that had been nagging me at the back of my mind, a detail I felt was a necessary point to include... and yet I didn't understand at the time that it was actually a direct message from myself to myself that would echo louder and louder, until relentlessly demanding my attention with the recent February eclipses and onset of the current Venus Retrograde cycle.
 
The detail I had added to the last Musing about unconditional love is that unconditional love is NOT about accepting abuse, nor about door-matting oneself, nor should it hinder us from making constructive and necessary life changes that support our well-being. What with Venus Retrograde asking us to re-evaluate our relationships and what it is that we love and value, I find myself examining my relationships in a big way, taking an honest look at that fine line between loving unconditionally and where I’ve been silencing my needs and accepting things that are not aligned with my truth. More and more I’m starting to understand that we truly do teach people how to treat us - both by our own behaviour and by what we are willing to accept - and I am knee-deep at the moment exploring my own behaviour in my relationships and how that behaviour serves to contribute to my state of well-being and empowerment, or lack thereof.
 
That said, let’s take a closer look at the topic of this Musing: Personality Modification for Love and Acceptance. One of the things that tends to come up often in session is consciousness of separation and how, in certain situations, we modify our personality to gain love and acceptance from others and ultimately, to avoid what we interpret as punishment and rejection. Although in life we need to be able to adapt our behaviour to the circumstances around us and to act appropriately in the context of a given moment, when beliefs about separation underlie deep feelings of inadequacy, what happens is that we can never truly let down our guard and be ourselves. To keep the peace, to not make any waves, to ensure love, acceptance, control and success, we default to a shape-shifting strategy.
 
In that vein, I recently had a conversation with a dear friend about the ability to “be a chameleon”, where we briefly discussed the perceived advantages and the pitfalls of changing one’s colours, of modifying one’s personality to seamlessly fit a given situation. What is important to note however, is that unlike the natural ability of a real chameleon, when we engage in this type of behaviour, whether consciously or unconsciously, it is a learned behaviour tied in to what we perceive as dangerous. For those who battle feelings of inadequacy, who seek love and approval from others, and who seek control, this tendency to modify personality is literally a survival mechanism, a means to an end.
 
Survival mechanism or not, the bottom line is that if we can't be fully authentic, fully ourselves, whether with a significant other, with a friend, in the workplace, etc., it is a huge red flag that somewhere we are going against the truth of who we are - and whether we realize it or not, that suppression often has grave consequences, building inside of us and creating such pressure within that it takes the form of pain, chronic symptoms, illness and disease.
 
As I mentioned towards the beginning of this post, we teach people how to treat us and if we modify our personality to gain love and acceptance in such a way that allows us to be walked upon by another, we set a precedent. If we then come to terms with that precedent and recognize the detrimental effect it has had on us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, it can be a difficult wakeup call - and sometimes adjusting one’s approach or asserting one’s boundaries with that wakeup call feels scary and challenging because we are finally choosing ourselves, finally choosing to step out of character and potentially be someone the other may feel like they never knew at all.

​It is an illusion to think that we do what we do to keep us from the pain of separation when in fact, it is what fuels the pain of separation, what creates a great divide within ourselves and in our relationships. If we do not feel free to truly be who we are, to express our truth and our needs without fear or reservation, if honouring and respecting ourselves is perceived as threatening to another, the questions is: why would we want to stay in that relationship or situation anyway? Are we truly gaining the love and acceptance we so direly crave or are we simply living a lie?
 
Bringing this full spiral back to unconditional love, it is a very fine line to walk, allowing others to be who they are, exactly as they are without condition, and yet be committed to radical honesty, to authenticity, to dismantling the survival mechanism of being a chameleon and taking practical steps to honour oneself, which may mean examining one’s boundaries and making adjustments, or perhaps extricating oneself completely from a certain relationship, situation, or environment.
​

This is the type of stuff that the current energies are asking of us. To get raw and to get real.
To understand that the consequences we fear in withholding our truth are actually what will set us free.
​

Thank you for reading! As usual, here are some questions for further reflection - and as I have mentioned before, I like to ask the hard questions, not from a place of judgment or assumption but from a place of sincere curiosity and openness towards potentially unconventional perspectives. Those of you who follow my blog know that these Musings are always birthed through the fruits of my own journey. Everything that I share is distilled from my life lessons and is shared candidly in hopes to provide you with something of value, something you can relate to and contemplate along with me:
 
 
*Can you observe any relationships in your life where you modify your behaviour or personality to gain love and/or acceptance?
 
*Do you feel you can be fully yourself with your spouse, partner, family members, friends?
 
*Can you observe any relationships in your life where you behave a certain way or refrain from behaving a certain way to censor your true feelings?
 
*Do you change, hide your true feelings or walk on eggshells with someone out of fear of rejection, abandonment, or punishment?
 
*Can you observe any instances in your life where you modify your behaviour or personality in hopes to control a situation/get what you believe you want?
 
*If you answered yes to any of the above questions, is there a trend? Do you notice a pattern? Is this an isolated case or something you’ve experienced more than once with this particular type of relationship or situation over the course of your lifetime?
 
*Are you able to get in touch with the thoughts and emotions you have been suppressing as a result of not being fully yourself in a given relationship or situation?
 
*Do you turn to substances such as smoking, alcohol, or drugs to numb yourself from being truthful about your needs and wants in a given relationship or situation?

​*Do you turn to food to numb yourself from being truthful about your needs and wants in a given relationship or situation?
 
*Do you use spirituality as a means to bypass/transcend thoughts and emotions you reject within yourself?
 
*If you are experiencing chronic symptoms, are ill, or have been diagnosed with a disease can you see a connection between your health and suppressed emotion?
 
*If you are able to make that connection, are you willing to acknowledge the emotions you’ve suppressed and take practical steps towards becoming honest and transparent about who you are, about your needs and boundaries in your various relationships?

​​
​Dear Readers,
 
Happy New Year! I realize it’s been a while since my last entry but as per usual, I’ve been processing major life experiences and have needed time to digest certain things before getting back to the page. I wanted to write today on the topic of unconditional love because this is something that has been hammering my inner world intensely for months now and it just feels like it’s time to share my thoughts. May you enjoy my latest Musing and the contemplation it has to offer as we kick off a fresh new year! ​✨

​We all say we want it
Many of us believe we practice it
It’s a concept that’s pimped to us from all sides…
But what does it really mean and what does it really entail?
 
Let me begin by saying that by no means am I the World’s Greatest Authority on unconditional love. I’m not. I’m not an expert by a long-shot, just a gal who got her butt kicked to learn certain lessons that haven’t always been easy. As with all of my posts, I haven’t done any prep work nor have I scoured a variety of sources in order to come up with something palatable and aligned with the status quo. This is not a research paper, I am not here to teach or to prove anything, nor am I here to make any claims. Quite frankly, I’m simply here to share the truths of my own experience, to share ideas based on the many ways I’ve waded knee-deep in my own proverbial shit over the course of my lifetime thus far.
 
So, back to unconditional love.
 
Love in itself is such a broad term and can be categorized and experienced in so many different ways but no matter one’s age, gender identity, sexual orientation, ethnic background or faith, as humans WE ALL SEEK TO LOVE AND TO BE LOVED. These days however, especially in the New Age community, it seems we are often encouraged to become Uber-Spiritual Beings of Light who practice a version of love from an alternate dimension, a deeply-coveted other-worldly thing called... Unconditional Love. What with the idea of something so divine and breathtakingly beautiful how could anyone on Earth not want to jump on that bandwagon with fervor?
​

​Though the concept of unconditional love may be likened to floating on a cloud of perpetual bliss, and though in theory it would appear to have its benefits… in practice, just like life itself, it seems that it is more of a journey than a destination. I realize I can only speak for myself, but in my experience, when you get down to it and start to truly understand what LOVING WITHOUT CONDITIONS entails, when you commit to living it for real and to stop giving it lip service... it presents a gruelling process that demands complete excavation and total self-honesty.
 
The truth - or shall I say MY TRUTH - is that unconditional love doesn’t happen overnight. As awesome as it would be, it’s not like flipping a switch. In my experience, it takes work. Hard freaking work. To be unflinching in examining all the conditions you put on love beyond the lies you tell yourself, beyond the delusion, beyond the spiritual bypassing, beyond the lip service takes total diligence and bucket loads of humility. You can run to any healing modality you like, but no matter the fancy facility and no matter the fancy facilitator, authentic change still requires YOU to do the work. Despite whomever you turn to for help, there is part of the path you must walk alone and it can be a bitter pill to swallow when you choose to go deep and to get really honest. It can be a very rude awakening to acknowledge just how conditional your love has always been, and to see all the hidden rules you’ve applied to the giving and receiving of love your whole life.
 
When we manage to get past the false light programs and kick absurd spiritual tenets to the curb, we understand that unconditional love is not so much about frolicking in a happy holier-than-thou field of gold as it is about navigating the shadowlands and learning to become comfortable with discomfort. Unconditional love demands that we allow another to be exactly as they are in that moment without trying to change them or to use manipulation to have our desires and needs met. Ultimately, it is about not needing others to change for us to feel happy or safe within ourselves. It is about not making others responsible for our experience. By the same token, it is not about passive aggression, nor about condescension, nor about smugness or superiority.
 
In my own explorations I’ve noticed that when someone challenges my hidden rules, if I follow the thread it often takes me down one of two roads. I usually either observe defensive behaviour, wanting the other to soothe my needy inner child’s pity-party OR I observe offensive behaviour, wanting the other to respect my critical inner tyrant’s outrage. Surely there are other "personalities" lurking but those are the two I have observed the closest in myself. When we’re not triggered it’s easy to fool ourselves into thinking we’ve got it made but sure enough, a button will be pushed when we least expect it and then BAM those personalities’ hidden rules are suddenly up in our face like nobody’s business. When those buttons are pushed we have choices:
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• keep being a slave to our little monsters within, keep imposing our conditions, keep making others responsible for our experience

 

• pretend all is well, that we’re above it, delude ourselves into believing we’ve mastered it yet secretly seethe inside, judge, and condemn​

 

• take an honest look at what’s coming up, allow those feelings to be acknowledged and FELT IN THE BODY, and do the work it takes to stop pushing the agenda of those little monsters on others

Loving someone unconditionally doesn't necessarily mean condoning or agreeing with their choices or behaviour, but it is a practice meant to expose and to challenge OUR rules - the rules we impose and use to manipulate others and it certainly won’t ALWAYS FEEL GOOD. Unconditional love is NOT about accepting abuse, nor about door-matting oneself, nor should it hinder us from making constructive and necessary life changes that support our well-being - but if we're used to seeking validation and putting all kinds of expectations on others, that will be exposed bigtime... and when we don’t simply check out or bypass our own behaviour in the face of what triggers our conditions, we are required to shift gears in such a way that it can be utterly jarring and intense. This is what I meant above when I talked about navigating the shadowlands and learning to become comfortable with discomfort. The practice of unconditional love exposes our own shadow, demands that we work with it, and asks us to hold space for the shadow of others, WHETHER OR NOT THEY CHOOSE TO WORK WITH THEIRS.
 
Just as we can explore the practice of GIVING love without conditions, we can also explore RECEIVING love without conditions. It’s all well and good to acknowledge the hidden rules we have in order to give our love but we often don’t realize all the hidden rules we have in order to receive love from others. It was a massive wake up call for me when I suddenly realized that in so many instances throughout my life I've accused others of being unloving or uncaring and could not receive the ACTUAL LOVE THEY HAD TO GIVE because I was so busy with my rules about what love is or isn’t, according to my own filters, conditioning, and beliefs. Without even being aware of it, I was placing conditions on how others should express their love to me so that I would know it was love and would feel safe - if their expression didn’t meet my rules then of course it meant that I was unloved and unloveable, which in turn would generate huge conditions on my giving. Judging the actions of others, how they express their love to us, just because it's not in the same way we tend to express it, can not only be blocking us from receiving their love but may also fuel much resistance in terms of the way we give ours.
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When we give love with conditions, we are saying:
“For me to love you, you must do this and behave like this”
“For me to love you, you must never do that and never behave like that”
 
When we receive love with conditions, we are saying:
“If you truly love me, then you would do this for me and you would behave like this.”
“If you truly love me, then you would never do that to me and you would never behave like that.”

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We are all at a time now in life where the intensity is peaking and, whether we are aware of it or not, whether we like it or not, we are being propelled along an accelerated path of growth. If you look carefully at your life, I guarantee that just like what I shared in this post, you will notice a pattern. In this instance, a pattern linked to your tendencies in terms of the conditions you place on the giving and receiving of love. We are each facing a major point of convergence – many experiences of a lifetime (and perhaps even many lifetimes) seemingly coming together. If you are able to tune into your own experience of convergence, if you can connect the dots, if you can BE PRESENT with what’s coming up for you IN THE PRESENT and do the work, there is potential for exponential healing.

Dear Readers,
 
Once again, here is a post I started writing months ago and like usual, found myself super inspired to write only to be sidelined and distracted by a handful of other things before I could finish my piece. Although the outward reasons for delay vary with each post, it has become crystal clear that whatever topic I’m initially sparked to write about needs time - though I step through the doorway, though the seed is planted, the content itself requires time to ripen before it finally makes its way onto the page. Without exception, for every Musing to date, eye-opening events pertinent to the topic at hand have presented themselves in the pause asking me to reflect on my life experiences as well as to process new layers of information and so, I’ve come to deeply respect this timing. While I do not consider my blog to be educational, I do consider it to be explorative and experimental. Aligned with my passion for looking beyond the surface of things, it is designed to ask the hard questions - not from a place of judgment or assumption but from a place of sincere curiosity and openness towards potentially unconventional perspectives. Everything I write about stems from my own exploration and experimentation, shared in hopes to provide you with something of value along your journey. Despite our differences, we are all human and are all in this together. We all suffer. We all want to heal, to find peace and resolution within ourselves and in our relationships. With that, I invite you to join me for a new Musing below…

​​Vulnerability. We see that word everywhere these days. At this point, it has probably been written about, spoken about, workshopped, defined, elaborated upon and encouraged in every possible way. While I’m overly aware that this is not an original topic, it’s a topic that sparks me intensely, and a topic I have contemplated consistently and quite profoundly over the years. Though familiar with the work of some of the vulnerability "greats", such as the amazing Brené Brown, it’s been a long while since I’ve delved into that whole scene and I did no prep or research before writing this so as not to influence the way I present the perspective I’d like to share with you today. Again, I know I’m not reinventing the wheel, and surely even this perspective has been covered by others, but in this post I intend to indulge my passion for looking beyond the surface of things, and to get curious about something that is not always so straightforward.
​
 
According to Merriam-Webster, the simple definition of VULNERABLE is to be:
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* easily hurt or harmed physically, mentally, or emotionally
* open to attack, harm, or damage

​As a definition, I’m sure we can all agree that this sounds anything but pleasant, quite treacherous really, and far from desirable. On the other hand, upon doing an internet search for vulnerability in the context of spirituality and healing, you will often come across something along the lines of the image to the right, which feels warm and fuzzy and most delicious in comparison.

While the aim of vulnerability in a healing and spiritual context is to bring us closer to ourselves and to others - and while it is a truly valid concept with the most powerful potential in and of itself - it is wise to recognize the sharp contrast between the dictionary definition and the definition in the image, and to realize, that despite our best intentions and efforts, vulnerability is multifaceted and amidst the duality of safety and danger, the way we approach it is not always cut and dry.

With that in mind, the objective of my post today is to briefly explore the possibility of how:

​Over time I’ve discovered how the concept of vulnerability, despite the best of intentions, can be inadvertently used as a weapon or a shield – how unbeknownst to us, it may be used TO CONTROL, TO MANIPULATE, TO DEFLECT or TO PROTECT. Although the content of what we choose to share with others as vulnerability can be and often is deeply personal, legitimate and authentic, if we pay close attention, what plays out from that sharing can sometimes serve to reveal unexpected and hidden layers of vulnerability underneath.
 
Essentially, vulnerability dares us to open up to another about what triggers our insecurity and fear in the aim of fostering a sense of trust and intimacy. It hinges on rejection versus acceptance, on what threatens us versus what helps us to feel safe. Although at first glance, and on a conscious level, it would seem obvious that rejection equals danger and acceptance equals safety, the reality is that on a subconscious level, our conditioning and our beliefs can make that much less obvious. While perhaps to the conscious mind the idea of closeness and intimacy is the safest and most beautiful thing in the world, to the subconscious mind it may be absolutely terrifying and something to avoid at all costs. Beyond the scope of our awareness, it is entirely possible that what stirs up feelings of inadequacy and the fear of rejection, that which we consciously perceive as what makes us feel vulnerable and wish to overcome, is the very thing that is subconsciously being used to keep us safe.

In my own experience, something occurred several years ago that marked me for life, something that revealed a pattern and exposed certain truths I had been unaware of until it was all put squarely in my face. In a nutshell, I opened up to someone I perceived to be somewhat aloof and intriguing, and someone whom I hoped to get to know better. As an individual who believed herself to be comfortable with vulnerability, in the aim of fostering a sense of trust and connection I shared things that, to me, felt authentically vulnerable. Volunteering to step into the circle first, I threw all of my proverbial weapons and armour down. I was convinced that by clearly offering up what was deeply personal, that this individual would let down their guard and would open up to me, too. The irony, however, is that it backfired... and what unfolded served to reveal the concealed weapons I didn't even know I carried and the hidden armour I didn't know I wore. Despite my best intentions, the outcome showed me that the version of vulnerability I’d offered up was nothing but a decoy - a decoy to deflect attention from my deepest wounds and biggest fears and ultimately, to push away the closeness I’d claimed to want the most. What appeared as confidence in sharing what made me feel most insecure was really a front for my actual insecurity, and as much as the conscious mind told stories about the danger of rejection and how I’d failed, the subconscious mind reveled in the safety and success of having pushed this individual away. It was then and there that I understood how vulnerability is multifaceted, that it can be used as a both a weapon and a shield, and how everything I’d believed was an act of surrender in trust and kinship was actually the opposite. It was through that experience that I began to see how everything I believed I’d shared to encourage closeness actually served to create distance. Only in retrospect do I now realize this is an insidious pattern which has been triggered in the context of very specific relationships throughout my life, and is a pattern which currently seeks resolution with urgency.

That said, this aspect of vulnerability is hard to talk about and no doubt it can be uncomfortable to question what we offer up to others and why. The above example is but one example - the exposure of one’s true vulnerability can manifest in so many ways and only YOU can choose to get honest with yourself, to examine your version of vulnerability in any given context. Though we can spend endless hours observing others and can find much entertainment in looking outside of ourselves, in the end what counts is our capacity to observe our self in the face of what others catalyze in us and to use that as fuel for our own personal healing and growth.
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​* What do you believe makes you most vulnerable in the context of human relationships?

* What have you offered up to others as vulnerability?

* What are the motives and intentions behind what you have offered up to others as vulnerability?

* Looking back at your life and your relationships, have you ever used vulnerability consciously or unconsciously to manipulate or to control (as a weapon) and/or to buffer or to protect (as a shield)?
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* Can you see how, despite one’s best intentions, that sharing can be selective or strategic?

* Can you see how one version of vulnerability can serve to hide or to distract from something else?

* In the instance of discovering true vulnerability underlying all defences, are you able to meet that vulnerability with honesty?

* In the instance of discovering true vulnerability underlying all defences, are you able to love and accept yourself?

​Dear Readers,

Almost every Monday to Friday for the past five and a half years, I have gone to the same CrossFit gym. Every day, I have driven there and back the same way. I have literally done it so many times I’m pretty sure I could do it in my sleep. Recently, there has been so much construction in my area that a drive which usually takes six minutes now takes half an hour. Day after day, I kept taking the same route, getting increasingly agitated as it seemed to be getting worse and worse with further construction at almost every turn of my established path. Now, you’d think what with all this upheaval that I would try something new, but it only just occurred to me the other day to what extent I’m a creature of habit and how this whole scenario has been trying to give me a very important message about MY LIFE. 

I had gotten so used to going to the gym a certain way and coming home a certain way that it became THE WAY, at the expense of all other possibilities. As soon as I realized this, I discovered an entirely new path and allowed myself to break out of my zombie routine and to explore… what do you know, construction or not, this route is a zillion times better than the route I had taken all this time! While the construction is still present, and while there is a part that I can’t avoid, I now see potentials and pathways I’d been missing out on while wearing my “blinders” - pathways that bring more ease and joy, shifting a reality I hadn’t even realized I’d been reinforcing through habit. The biggest message I got is that while it’s easy to stress about making big life changes when we’re feeling agitated or dissatisfied, sometimes it’s about looking at where we're on auto-pilot and taking steps to trip it up - to do something different, no matter how minute, and to trust that being open to another way of doing something has the power to unlock you from the prison of predictable circumstances and experiences and to alter the course of your entire life.

Though you may not personally share this experience of obsessively taking the same route somewhere to the exclusion of all other possibilities, the point of this post is to get you thinking about where in your life you ARE a creature of habit and how that has served you or not. This post is to get you thinking about where you are wearing blinders – where you do the same thing over and over without even realizing it perhaps, and how that has reinforced the “same old” reality. Whether it be how you approach elements of your daily personal routine, your work, your relationships - what motions are you going through on auto-pilot that are in need of a wake-up call to help you shift towards a better experience of life?

​Those of you who follow my blog know that I typically like to sign off with a whole list of questions for further reflection. Today, however, like my last post on Sacred Contracts, I’ve decided to leave you with a special movie recommendation. Another of my all-time favourite movies (interestingly originally released in 1998, also perfectly aligned with the current 19-year eclipse cycle which I referred to last post). Once again, this is a movie which is sure to keep you on the edge of your seat and which will illustrate how changing the smallest detail can alter the entire trajectory of your life. If you have yet to see it, I encourage you to check out Run Lola Run.
 
EnJOY!! <3 

​Dear Readers,

Had I been writing this blog post by hand, there would literally be a mountain of crumpled paper filling up every room of my house from floor to ceiling. I must have started this over a zillion times, to no avail, and to my utter bewilderment. For a topic so precious to me, for a topic that seeks to be expressed through me so genuinely, I couldn’t understand how every time I’d go to write about it, it was as though I was mired in cement. Every time I would reread my words they seemed so sterile, so foreign and detached, when that is the absolute opposite of what this topic sparks in me and inspires me to discuss. While I’m far from being an expert and have no desire to get into labels, this is probably one of the topics I can write about most passionately, only because of the extent to which it has consciously affected my life ever since I can remember. So, I’ve decided to scrap everything I’d written to date and to start fresh, to write candidly from the heart and just let it flow. Whether or not the term “sacred contract” means anything to you at all, it doesn’t really matter, as my intention is to write about it in a way that will make it relatable and accessible to everyone. Below, I invite you to discover how I’ve worked with the concept in terms of my own personal growth, and how you can too.

​
​In case you were wondering, the image I chose to use above is not something I downloaded off the internet. That image happens to be a photo of my own hand with two words written in stark black Sharpie, serving as a very loud and much-needed reminder several years ago, during an especially challenging phase of accelerated growth, where I was determined to see the bigger picture despite my inner struggle.
 
While I realize that not everyone is inclined to distill a great depth of meaning from their relationships and experiences, this is something that has always come naturally to me and has held much importance. For years now, my favourite adventure has been to try and see through as much as I can while living it, to grasp both the dynamics of a given relationship and to understand its significance from a broader perspective while being in it.
 
That said, over the course of a lifetime we are brought together with many people in a wide variety of contexts. Some of whom we are born into relationship with and some of whom we come into contact with over time. While some people seem to attract us intensely, others seem to repel us as equally intensely, and some seem to generate an indifferent or neutral response. While certain individuals remain in our lives for decades, others are only there in passing. Some relationships are sexual, some are not, and some can be rather ambiguous. Sometimes the longest relationships can seem less significant than the briefest of encounters, and sometimes the deepest of bonds are beyond the blood.
 
We all have so many relationships in life - perceived as both imposed and chosen - and whether we analyze them deeply or not, we are affected by them deeply nonetheless. If you look closely at the trajectory of your life, I guarantee you will start to see a pattern, a message, something that has repeated itself time and time again throughout specific relationships to try to get your attention.
 
Though sacred contracts exist in all shapes and forms, and while I believe everyone we encounter is important, it is those specific relationships and messengers I want to talk about today - the change agents, the ones who hit you like lightning, the ones who pull at your heartstrings in a way you can’t ignore; the ones who seem to show up out of nowhere, who blow up your radar, and who turn your world upside down for better or for worse.
​

​In a previous post, which was published last eclipse season and which interestingly coincides with the eclipse season upon us now, I wrote about a succession of muses having graced my life since adolescence and elaborated somewhat in terms of the lessons these muses have taught me over the course of the past two decades. These individuals, these women, whom I lovingly refer to as “the lineage”, represent a select series of contracts, an extremely gifted cast and crew who have clearly agreed to support me in a very special way on my quest to unravel the threads of my own personal mystery.

​Although in retrospect I look back at each of these contracts with nothing but awe and gratitude, as they unfolded in real-time it wasn’t always easy. In fact, much of the creativity these women inspired in me and a great many emotions they catalyzed targeted a deep anguish within. It took years for me to get beyond the surface of what was being triggered to see the greater pattern - but once I did, much of my anguish gave way to fascination, to the desire to connect the dots and crack the code.

​While the lessons have been numerous and multi-faceted, and while each of these contracts has been unique, I understand that each of these women agreed to hold pieces for me; they agreed to hold the qualities and attributes I struggled to see and to accept within myself until I was ready to own them.

Whether we realize it or not, we came into this incarnation, into this body, into this experience, to learn and to teach. Despite how it may appear, we are living in great service to one another. Just like a movie, you are the star of your life. And, like any good movie, the big star always shines, surrounded by other stars who shine along with them. Flanked by protagonists and antagonists, the lead role in any production is always supported by a variety of other roles to assist them as the story unfolds.

The bottom line is that you are here to shine and others shine in your life to help you shine even brighter.
​

​​Though I use the word shine, it is important to note that even the actor who plays the most nefarious villain will shine in their role. I use the word shine in terms of excellence in performance, in terms of the convincing factor. We must shine in our roles, both wholly convincing and convinced, no matter what they entail, because on some level beyond this stage we have made agreements from a place of great love - agreements which we must keep until they are fulfilled. Though it may be challenging and seem relentless at times, it is inevitable that at one point, the curtains will go up and that the true nature of who we are to one another will be revealed. It is only at that point that we will understand the extent of the love that exists between us to play these roles for each other with such absolute devotion.
 
That said, we are in a place right now, individually and collectively, where the messages delivered by our sacred contracts have the potential to finally be heard, understood, and acted upon with greater clarity and intent than ever before. Should we choose to work with the wisdom of what these contracts bring to light, we will find resolution and deep healing aligned with our purpose and destiny. Speaking from personal experience, becoming aware and choosing to navigate these relationships consciously, with compassion and gratitude for self and other, is one of the most incredibly empowering, rewarding, and transformative experiences one can have.

Those of you who follow my blog know that I typically like to sign off with some questions for further reflection. Today, however, I’ve decided to leave you with a special movie recommendation. One of my all-time favourite movies (interestingly from 1997, perfectly aligned with the 19-year eclipse cycle), is one which is sure to keep you on the edge of your seat and to illustrate one of the fundamental aspects of this post - if you have yet to see it, I encourage you to check out The Game starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.
 
EnJOY!! <3 

Dear Readers,

I realize it’s been many, many moons since my last Body Part Series post, and that going from the shoulders and the neck & back right to the genitals may seem like quite the jump... but I figure we've gone on enough dates in the span of a year... and don't pretend the subject matter didn't pique your interest ;)

All kidding aside, although I've chosen to officially categorize this as a Body Part Series post with info about the consciousness and symbolism of the genitals, this is most definitely a hybrid Musing, and a major one at that. What with a year of experience now as to how each of my posts have come to find the page, I understand that they truly happen in their own timing, and always in right timing. I can go for weeks without anything in mind and then it's like I go from empty to full in a flash, and need to get it out. Of course, I always hope that what I have to share is relevant and of value to you, but regardless of what you or what anyone else thinks, this blog is therapeutic for me in my own process as it helps me to synthesize aspects of my life experience, the subject and content always pertinent to my personal path and to my current stage of evolution. If you've been following my blog, you know that throughout the past year I've shared various layers of my healing journey, namely in Awakening to Authenticity through the Heart, Transformation and the Power of Community, and Inspiration and the Role of the Muse. Each of those posts reveal a different facet of my journey and what I've distilled through contemplation of my life, in retrospect. This post today is no exception, offering up yet another facet for your discovery.
​

​Somewhat like my latest Musing, the idea for this post was initially sparked by a conversation with a dear friend. Our recent experiences had us discussing the concept of life as a spiral and had us looking at the Saturnine power of 7-year cycles and how those cycles of growth are really coming into view for us in a big way. Since my birthday last October, and starting a new 7-year cycle at 35, I'd already had several revelations in terms of these cycles... but what is unfolding now in my life has suddenly jetted me down the proverbial rabbit hole and is asking me to step out of my comfort zone and to step up into myself, once again, in a whole new way. Some of you know that recently I've been insanely inspired to create art - visual art - which is new for me as I've always been naturally inclined towards writing as my artistic medium. However, inspiration shows up in a myriad of ways and despite not having any technical skills or expertise I went with it and began to create images exploring the concept of mirroring, a theme which seems to be playing a vital part of a sacred journey of mine and which has been drawing me deeper and deeper inwards for “reflection” and for "integration".

Interestingly, as I delved further into my creative process, sudden memories surfaced and I realized that the art I was inspired to create was entirely reminiscent of artwork by a colleague I encountered at a BodyTalk Members’ Conference in the late summer of 2009... SEVEN YEARS AGO. This influx of memories brought me back to what was happening in my life at that time - both the sweetness and the suffering - opening a giant door to connect the dots and piece together something profoundly significant, and then in turn, to make complete sense of my entire life, a storyline revealed in methodical 7-year cycles, which, despite starting at birth, I could clearly make out and account for from the age of seven to thirty-five. You may be asking yourself what all this has to do with the genitals, but by now you surely know that I’m a storyteller and that, through all the twists and turns, just like with life, we will always get to where we need to go.
 
That said, those of you who have read my bio know that from early adolescence into my mid-twenties I suffered with chronic health issues. Though stated in the first line of my bio both on my site and wherever else it can be found on the web, I have yet to ever really elaborate on those issues in a public way, which is what I’m feeling called to do now as a next step in my personal and professional growth. Like I mentioned in my very first blog post last June, I have found much comfort and safety in working with people one on one but despite any fear or insecurity, it's time for me to expand further, and with confidence, into the public arena. This call to be vocal about what I will share today is not so much about being loud as it is about being true; true to myself, to my path, to my calling, and to my tribe. Though extremely personal, I know that my story is to be shared. More than ever I’m being guided to remember my purpose and how it weaves into my destiny, fully grasping the gift in the wound, understanding that what I am here to learn is also what I am here to teach. So, this post, although centered around the consciousness of the genitals and how one's sexual development and subsequent experience influences the health of the genitals, is even moreso about giving a voice to something powerful within me that seeks expression, about finding strength in vulnerability, and about restoring innocence in myself and in all those whose lives I touch.
 
Now, without getting too much into the details of my sexual development between 7 and 14 years of age - something I will save for future work I will be doing - there is still a good part of my story to be told here. What I will say about that time is that, like in any child’s life, it is a very normal time to be learning about one’s body, a time of innocence and discovery. Though I was never sexually abused and though the shadowlands of my experience surely pale in comparison to those of many, what unfolded for me as I was learning about my body generated an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt, and destroyed an innocence I didn’t even know I’d lost until long after it was gone. Little did I know that what I experienced during the course of those years was a trauma, only to fester and manifest into chronic symptoms which, though stemming from a place of protection, ultimately became a prison. At 14, as I was coming into my womanhood, and as all my friends were starting to hook up and explore their sexuality, an onslaught of gynecological problems began which not only alienated me from my peers but drove me into a deep state of depression and anxiety, from which I could only truly escape through a world of projection and fantasy, and subsequently, through substance abuse. What started as chronic yeast infections then morphed into various types of viral and bacterial infection - every time I was treated for one thing it would shapeshift into another so that all my free time outside of school was spent at the doctor’s office. Pills, creams, ointments, shuffled from specialist to specialist to no avail, I was on display, showcased as a grotesque example for groups of medical residents - a mystery, an anomaly; I just wouldn’t heal. The worst part, and my greatest source of suffering, was that each and every night in my sleep, I would scratch my genitals, often to the point of bleeding all over my sheets. Sometimes I would sleep right through the violence to wake in horror to the result of my self-mutilation whereas other times I would wake during, forced to bear witness as I inflicted searing pain upon myself, only to put an end to the unbearable itching by which my body was held hostage. For a girl who had once been so connected to her body and who had enjoyed so much magic in self-discovery, the weight of this experience and the secrecy it entailed to keep up appearances was inhuman. Isolated in my suffering, in agony every day, and terrified to go to sleep every night, I was revolted by my body, revolted by what I had become, revolted to be living a complete lie.
 
In the weeks leading up to my 21st birthday, after having endured 7 years of that madness with minimal stretches of reprieve allowing me to engage in relationship and to explore my sexuality with relative trust, I hit rock bottom on one of the days the world will never be able to forget: September 11th, 2001. As the attacks went down in New York, I lay there helpless, cutaneous ulcers covering my buttocks and spreading down my thighs, so scratched up from vagina to rectum that I couldn’t get up off the couch, let alone go to the bathroom without sobbing from the excruciating pain.
 
Despite my evasiveness surrounding the nature of my chronic symptoms, the first paragraph of Awakening to Authenticity through the Heart, the article I had originally written for JOYAH Magazine in the winter of 2013, says it all:

It was truly in that moment, as I was about to turn 21 and start a new 7-year cycle that I was propelled to bust loose from traditional Western medicine and probe into the world of alternative health in search for answers and relief. From 21 to 28 I was initiated into many original methods of healing, a new career in the field, and a set of opportunities which would one day prove to be the gateway to discovering gifts of mine and a passion I never knew I had. Although those years were filled with a great sense of hope in certain ways, they were filled with a sheer sense of hopelessness in others. Despite occasional breakthroughs in healing and despite the healthy professional hat I wore by day, I was still far from being healed and struggled heavily with alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs by night in order to cope. It was in my other epic post, Transformation and the Power of Community, that I opened up about the duality I felt within and the giant steps I took in terms of nutrition and fitness, steps that began in the fall of 2007. Though I did not discuss it in that post, those first steps were also aligned with my basic training in BodyTalk, culminating with my professional certification in the months leading up to my 28th birthday in 2008, which was to start yet another 7-year cycle.

As a new chapter began from 28 to 35, I was shuttled through major life changes with my Saturn Return. Unexpectedly, I got involved in what would become my first long-term relationship, moved to a different part of the city so that we could be together, and left my job of 7 years to launch my private practice. Somehow, in the spring of 2009, stars had lined up in such a way that I was healed to the point of being confident to finally enter this new relationship. After so many years of suffering and so many years of living in a fantasy world to escape the pain, I was grateful and beyond ready to find myself in a grounded, nurturing, and stable relationship where at last I could get back to exploring a side of myself that had been hidden away and shut down for too long. In my eagerness, however, a new apprehension arose; having been so traumatized and hung up on the perils of the past, as I began to engage anew in sexual intimacy there was something nagging at me, an adjacent issue that kept reflecting my underlying lack of self-acceptance and persistent self-loathing. In addition to all of the gynecological problems I’d endured, at around 18 years old, during one of those rare episodes of reprieve and while involved, I discovered I had a Bartholin’s cyst. In consulting with my doctor at the time, I was told that it was quite common, that besides the occasional discomfort and swelling experienced upon arousal that there was no harm as there was no abscess, and therefore no need for intervention. Yet... all these years later, after all I’d been through, this new relationship which defied my typical pattern in every way seemed almost too good to be true. And so, I decided that in order to be truly deserving of this relationship, to deserve this love being offered to me with sincerity and respect, to be able to allow myself to receive pleasure and to be fully seen, that I must aspire to be a woman with PERFECT GENITALS. Despite all of the healing that had taken place, despite the fact that I no longer dreaded the night and sharing a bed, I still felt defective and told myself that if I only had perfect genitals, there was no way I could be rejected, no way I could feel unloved or unlovable ever again.
 
Thus, in my cosmetic crusade, obsessed with my quest, I went on a wild goose chase and wound up agreeing to a somewhat unethical procedure in hopes to rectify the issue. I was so excited to be free of this unsightly lump, this lump that I felt was holding me back from true happiness and fulfilment... but upon submitting to the procedure, I was anything but convinced and suddenly feared that I had made a terrible mistake. What with my wariness impossible to conceal, I was told to relax, to give it a few days, to bathe in sea salt. To my surprise and delight, after a few days of sea salt baths it did seem to show signs of minor improvement and life went on.
​

A couple of months later, I found myself on a plane headed to Sarasota, Florida for the 2009 BodyTalk Members’ Conference. As fate would have it, I had the chance to engage in some very meaningful discussions with the founder, Dr. John Veltheim, whom, intrigued by my struggles, asked if I would be up for receiving a session as a demonstration for one of the conference keynote speakers, Dr. Amit Goswami, Theoretical Quantum Physicist. Beyond grateful for the opportunity, I was most certainly up for it and will admit, I had very high hopes. That said, the session I received was extremely intense and I was told that the work we did would be ongoing for the next seven to ten days. In all honesty, the session hit me so hard that I had difficulty focusing on the conference thereafter and spent a majority of that day and the next in the ocean, by myself, processing whatever it was that had taken place.

Upon returning home, still high from all the connections and learning, I was greeted with much anticipation and of course, still being in the honeymoon phase of my new relationship, was greeted with lots of loving as well. Confident that my gland was on the mend, it came as a complete shock and disappointment when suddenly, what had reverted to a small lump, started to swell. At first I believed it was simply a result of my heightened sexual activity but it became increasingly clear that there was something more to it than that. Despite the signs, I told myself it was surely part of the healing process following the session at conference and fought to keep the truth of my discomfort under wraps. By that Saturday night though, as I entertained dinner guests and drank wine with a smile, the reality was that I could barely concentrate, the swelling so great I could literally feel the gland pounding with exponential pressure under my jeans. That night, as I got undressed for bed, I discovered that the gland had swelled so much that it was almost the size of a grapefruit, and looking at myself naked in the mirror I cried and cried, horrified by the ironic result and consequence of all my vanity and desperation for some ridiculous idea of perfection. Notwithstanding the dire state of affairs, I was still in denial the next morning, writing frantic emails to John and to one of my greatest mentors in healing for help to no avail. That night, it was decided, in the face of all my resistance and dismay, that the next morning I would go straight to Emergency.
 
So, just shy of 7 years ago, on August 24th 2009, after an eight-hour wait in excruciating pain, I was admitted for surgery. Once again, I cried and cried, laying there on the gurney before the operation, feeling like a complete failure and utterly resentful that, after all the trauma I had endured at the hands of doctors in my younger years, here I was again looking like a freak on display and about to be butchered. I cried for the pain of my present experience and for the brutality of what I felt I’d been carrying around for lifetimes. In those moments, before the anesthesia, ancient lessons flashed before my eyes and suddenly, I understood why it had to happen this way, and that sometimes, healing, like inspiration, comes in many forms. Before I knew it, I was waking up in a hospital bed on intravenous antibiotics, with over 100 ccs of fluid having been removed from my freshly marsupialized gland.
 
That said, here we are coming full circle - or shall I say full spiral - winding this post down with the memories which recently resurfaced from the art I’ve been inspired to create. Looking back, I realize the great extent to which the past seven years have been instrumental in helping me move through the shame of my past and to experience a major phase of healing on all levels. My story is a prime example of how trauma can lead to dis-ease, demonstrating how consciousness affects the physical form. It was in having been held and met with such love and acceptance during some of my darkest hours that I was able to start the process of loving and accepting myself, of integrating my inner masculine and feminine, a process which continues and now blossoms with radiance, as illustrated by my current state of health and by the fruits of my creative journey. To be fully healed physically and to be so comfortable in my body - not only in terms of changes brought about by fitness but in terms of reconnecting with and embracing the innocence of my sexuality - is nothing short of a miracle. I am so very grateful for all of the love and support I have received along the way, and having synthesized so much and outgrown certain structures, am now feeling ready for the next level of exploration and healing that awaits as my 7-year biological, relationship, and career cycles converge and prepare for imminent rebirth.

​Some consciousness themes of the genitals include:
​

• Sexuality and sensuality
• Strength and empowerment
• Acceptance of self/others
• Openness
• Connection to Earth
• Grounding
• Fear of rejection

 
Granted, not everyone’s wounding revolves around this area of the body, but there are so many people, more than you know, who:

• Have had trauma linked to the onset of puberty
• Have been victims of sexual violence and abuse
• Are living with infection or disease of the genitals (sexually-related or not)
• Suffer from sexual dysfunction
• Struggle with their gender and/or sexual orientation

         ...and that is just to name a few

Unlike other parts of the body which are visible and deemed “acceptable” by society to struggle with openly, issues with the genitals, due to their private nature and sexual association, can be perceived as a stigma. Often, individuals will suffer in silence due to fear, guilt, and shame and the belief systems adopted to cope may translate into depression, anxiety, numbness, repression, inhibition, deviance, or obsessive-compulsive behaviour.
 
Also, lest we forget the powerful impact of pornography on our bodies and minds - how that can leave a deep impression as to what is considered to be “normal”, “attractive”, “desirable” both in terms of body image and of sexual performance. By the same token, much shame, guilt, and self-loathing can arise in rejecting or denying the feelings of arousal that pornography is intentionally designed to create in the body and mind. It is all too easy to internalize what we see and to then blame ourselves and judge ourselves, the beliefs and emotions triggered wreaking havoc, consciously or not.
 

The divine light in me honours the divine light in you
​
With gratitude and blessings,
​Melanie ​✨

​​Dear Readers,
 
Once again, I'm astounded as to the impeccable timing of this Musing; completely unplanned and yet sparked at the most perfect and relevant moment. I realized, as I was writing, that tomorrow will be exactly one year since I launched my blog and that yesterday was exactly one year since I was gifted with a precious lesson as to the very topic of this post: THE CONSEQUENCE OF EXPECTATIONS. The honest to goodness truth is that my blog was born as a result of that whole scenario last June, and despite the discomfort it took to land me where I needed to be, in retrospect I could not be more grateful.
​

​​Though the above is an important and synchronistic revelation, it is a by-product of what catalyzed this Musing. The actual catalyst was a recent conversation with a dear friend... one of those conversations where suddenly, something crucial is said that, in and of itself, creates a massive and imperative shift. In bringing me up to speed with where she was at, my friend casually mentioned having gone back to review some material online by someone we both enjoy and that her explorations led her to a quote of his that spoke to her very deeply:

​Although she was sharing about her process, in that instant, as she uttered those words, absolutely every perceived heartbreak and disappointment I have ever lived, consciously since about the age of twelve, made sense. And in that instant, the final pieces of that lesson from last June fell into place...

The CONSEQUENCE of expectations no longer perceived whatsoever in the context of
RESTRICTION, EXCLUSION, and PENALTY
 
The CONSEQUENCE of expectations now fully perceived in the context of
EXPANSION, INCLUSION, and LIBERATION

​

​Having broached another angle of my journey to wholeness in a previous Musing, the last several months have made it undeniably clear that there is a HUGE process underway in my life serving to demolish the stagnant and limiting template I have always operated from. From the same predictable storyline I've weaved into my creative writing over the years to the very way I live my life, it is time to change the narrative.

The bottom line is that I can no longer do what I have always done. I can no longer behave in ways I have always behaved. There is no stopping what has been set into motion since last summer, an abundance of accelerated growth is upon me. My life and my heart are being cracked wide open, an influx of profound messages coming to me, a reverence for this process bursting forth that I can't even put into words.
 
Though ultimately this is a process I must undergo on my own, I am not blind to those who are in my life to assist me. In due time I will post a Musing dedicated to the topic of Sacred Contracts but for now I will simply say that some people show up in our life to teach us lessons that we really can't ignore, lessons that are crucial to our growth, to our purpose, and to our destiny. That said, I am amazed and humbled by the sequencing of events, by the practicality and direct application of what I've learned - especially in terms of what has manifested in my reality since that fateful day and since the launch of this blog last June. I realize I have been helped to grow in such meaningful ways and it is obvious to me now that this particular ally, this bright messenger who graciously taught me about the consequence of expectations and so much more, was a bridge from my past to my future and trained me with expertise to navigate this current unfolding chapter; a stunningly intense chapter fraught with unavoidable and demanding challenges, likely to be remembered as one of the most significant of my life.
​

​​*Are you aware of the expectations you have of people, relationships, situations?

*Do you tend to have "positive" expectations of people, relationships, situations? 

*Do you tend to have "negative" expectations of people, relationships, situations?
 
*Do you believe others are responsible for living up to your expectations either way?
 
*Are you aware of how you feel when your "positive" expectations are not met?

*Are you aware of how you feel when your "negative" expectations are met?
 
*If so, how do those feelings impact your behaviour?
 
*If so, how do those feelings impact your relationships?
 
*If so, how do those feelings impact the quality of your life?
 
*Are you aware of the expectations others have of you?
 
*Do you believe that you are responsible for living up to the expectations of others?
 
*Are you aware of how others feel when their expectations of you are not met?
 
*If so, how do those feelings impact your relationship and interactions?
 
*What consequences have you perceived as a result of having expectations?
 
*After reading this post are you able to see things in a new light?