Ohhhhhhh, INTIMACY. Welcome, dear readers, to my latest Musing! Yet again, here we find ourselves with another loaded word and topic to discuss - a topic which has been covered extensively and eloquently by many insightful individuals, and one which I can only hope to do justice in my own way. Somehow, I am someone who has always thrived on intimacy; it is where I feel most at home, like a fish in water. In both my personal life and in my career it is what I seek out most and what fuels my greatest fulfillment. Even my creative writing pursuits - this blog, the poetry and short stories I've written over the years - they all revolve around observing a profound level of intimacy found in the smallest of details. While some people are drawn to that in me like a magnet, others not so much... but what I've learned is that either way, it isn't something to take personally, as others will only ever be able to meet us as deeply as they have met themselves.
To some, intimacy may feel welcoming and safe. To others, it may feel invasive and threatening. In some relationships it's an immediate unfolding or develops over time, and in others it may not exist whatsoever or be appropriate.
To some, intimacy may feel welcoming and safe. To others, it may feel invasive and threatening. In some relationships it's an immediate unfolding or develops over time, and in others it may not exist whatsoever or be appropriate.
Although the context of a physical, romantic or sexual relationship is often the go-to when presented with the topic of intimacy, that is but ONE arena in which it is possible to engage intimately with another. Intimacy may very well be an essential factor in sustaining a healthy relationship of that nature, but a relationship is not required to be of that nature in order for intimacy to be shared.
Intimacy = IN - TO - ME - SEE
Regardless of the context of the relationship or interaction, intimacy is ultimately about letting someone see into you and about someone letting you see into them. It is possible to share moments of intimacy with family, friends, colleagues, clients, perhaps even a complete stranger.
Although the context of a physical, romantic or sexual relationship is often the go-to when presented with the topic of intimacy, that is but ONE arena in which it is possible to engage intimately with another. Intimacy may very well be an essential factor in sustaining a healthy relationship of that nature, but a relationship is not required to be of that nature in order for intimacy to be shared.
Intimacy = IN - TO - ME - SEE
Regardless of the context of the relationship or interaction, intimacy is ultimately about letting someone see into you and about someone letting you see into them. It is possible to share moments of intimacy with family, friends, colleagues, clients, perhaps even a complete stranger.
- True intimacy is mutual and natural.
- True intimacy is authentic, courageous, trusting, honest, transparent, and vulnerable.
- True intimacy is founded in deep connection, deep connection that begins with one's self.
However, as I mentioned above, others will only ever be able to meet us as deeply as they have met themselves... and I've learned that intimacy, although it can be invited and encouraged, can never be forced, and is not always reciprocated with the same enthusiasm, if at all. The tricky thing then, is that while one can have a legitimate need and deep desire for intimacy, it is not something that one is entitled to or guaranteed.
Intimacy is a gift both given and received by those who are capable of meeting each other there.
So, while a difference in needs and capacity is not always an issue, it certainly can be, especially in the context of a romantic relationship or marriage. Surprisingly, I see it all the time, both in my practice and in life in general - it is entirely possible to be with someone for years, to share a home, a bed, even children, to experience a profound level of comfort and closeness, and yet the relationship lacks in, or is completely devoid of intimacy. If neither partner is concerned with the level of intimacy it may never be an issue, but if one or both partners have needs for intimacy that aren't being met, it can become a major bone of contention and have substantial repercussions.
So, while a difference in needs and capacity is not always an issue, it certainly can be, especially in the context of a romantic relationship or marriage. Surprisingly, I see it all the time, both in my practice and in life in general - it is entirely possible to be with someone for years, to share a home, a bed, even children, to experience a profound level of comfort and closeness, and yet the relationship lacks in, or is completely devoid of intimacy. If neither partner is concerned with the level of intimacy it may never be an issue, but if one or both partners have needs for intimacy that aren't being met, it can become a major bone of contention and have substantial repercussions.
That said, with or without sex as part of the equation, true intimacy requires emotional honesty, vulnerability, and connection. Just as one may engage in an intense sexual relationship with someone local where there is very little intimacy, one may have a purely platonic relationship with someone who lives in another country, miles away, where there is an abundance of intimacy shared, and where the emotional closeness experienced in that relationship reaches them in places the other never will. Whether in a romantic context or not, when there is a big enough imbalance in each individual's needs and capacity for intimacy, it can be a difficult situation to navigate.
Lastly, as if navigating intimacy in real-time wasn't complicated enough, it seems that our increasing reliance on and addiction to technology and social media presents a whole new can of worms. Surely, the impact that the Digital Age has had and continues to have on intimacy and our relationships is controversial, but it is a relevant aspect to bring up nonetheless. While I won't be delving fully into that aspect in this post, a couple of interesting articles about social media and intimacy can be found HERE and HERE should you wish to explore further.
Lastly, as if navigating intimacy in real-time wasn't complicated enough, it seems that our increasing reliance on and addiction to technology and social media presents a whole new can of worms. Surely, the impact that the Digital Age has had and continues to have on intimacy and our relationships is controversial, but it is a relevant aspect to bring up nonetheless. While I won't be delving fully into that aspect in this post, a couple of interesting articles about social media and intimacy can be found HERE and HERE should you wish to explore further.
Ultimately, this may not be an easy or comfortable topic but, once again, it is a topic that affects us all, and one which seems to be at the forefront these days begging for our attention. Whether you tend to think about intimacy often or not, hopefully this post and the questions I ask below will stir the pot and perhaps even bring greater clarity in terms of discernment and commitment as well.
If you or someone you know is struggling with issues surrounding intimacy or simply needs a safe and confidential space to share, I am available for local sessions in Montreal and work easily via distance worldwide. Please don't hesitate to contact me HERE with any questions or to inquire about my upcoming availabilities.
Some questions for further reflection:
When you think of the word intimacy what does it bring up?
How do you feel about it? What are your beliefs?
Does the thought of intimacy (sharing and/or being shared with at that level) make you feel safe?
Is it something you consciously or subconsciously desire?
Do you feel guilty or ashamed about your desire for intimacy?
Are you resented for or blamed for this desire?
How does the desire for intimacy impact the dynamic and/or quality of your relationships?
Does the thought of intimacy (sharing and/or being shared with at that level) make you feel threatened?
Is it something you consciously or subconsciously avoid?
Do you feel guilty or ashamed about avoiding intimacy?
Are you resented for or blamed for this avoidance?
How does the avoidance of intimacy impact the dynamic and/or quality of your relationships?
How, and by whom, are your needs for intimacy being MET?
How does this feel to you?
How does this affect your various relationships?
How, and by whom, are your needs for intimacy being UNMET?
How does this feel to you?
How does this affect your various relationships?
How, if at all, does your level of involvement with technology and social media affect both your real-time and virtual relationships in the context of intimacy?
When you think of the word intimacy what does it bring up?
How do you feel about it? What are your beliefs?
Does the thought of intimacy (sharing and/or being shared with at that level) make you feel safe?
Is it something you consciously or subconsciously desire?
Do you feel guilty or ashamed about your desire for intimacy?
Are you resented for or blamed for this desire?
How does the desire for intimacy impact the dynamic and/or quality of your relationships?
Does the thought of intimacy (sharing and/or being shared with at that level) make you feel threatened?
Is it something you consciously or subconsciously avoid?
Do you feel guilty or ashamed about avoiding intimacy?
Are you resented for or blamed for this avoidance?
How does the avoidance of intimacy impact the dynamic and/or quality of your relationships?
How, and by whom, are your needs for intimacy being MET?
How does this feel to you?
How does this affect your various relationships?
How, and by whom, are your needs for intimacy being UNMET?
How does this feel to you?
How does this affect your various relationships?
How, if at all, does your level of involvement with technology and social media affect both your real-time and virtual relationships in the context of intimacy?
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