Melanie's Musings: Self-Sabotage and the Stories We Tell Ourselves

Dear Readers,
 
This past weekend I completed a fascinating course about the 38 Bach Flower Remedies, allowing me to incorporate them into my practice at long last. For those of you who are unfamiliar with these remedies, it is rather amazing as to how deeply and effectively they can contribute to one's healing process. It was truly mind-blowing to get properly acquainted with each of the essence profiles and to recognize personal themes as well as to spot themes observed in clients, family members, and friends. Part of the course work involved hands-on practice and, in addition to sitting in on several cases, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to be one of the cases for the class myself.

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​Having had a couple of weeks to contemplate what I wanted to work on, I really took a good look at my life, at both concrete and abstract things associated to the experience of suffering. Not just things in passing, but things I have observed as part of a pattern over the course of my lifetime, a pattern peppered with things that are obvious and things that shapeshift, oftentimes so seamlessly and cleverly that I can only see them in retrospect... and sometimes only after the damage has been done. Just because I play the role of practitioner doesn't mean I'm without wounding or above it all. No way, no how. I'm as human as they come. So, despite being in a position of exposing vulnerabilities to a group of professionals in class, and despite now exposing these vulnerabilities in a more public arena, I am committed to my own healing process and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the more transparent I am in life and the more courage I have to face my demons head-on, the more clear and the more effective I will be in terms of myself and in terms of my service to others.
 
When the time came and I was called upon to sit at the front of the class, I asked for help with a pattern of self-sabotage and described a variety of ways that I've noticed it tends to manifest in my life. With the assistance of a gifted instructor and wonderful classmates, I uncovered certain beliefs and themes underlying this pattern of self-sabotage that has, and still does, play out in a myriad of ways and wreak havoc in my life. Despite how things may look from the outside, ultimately the mechanism that fuels the pattern and how it manifests outwardly is that inwardly, I believe I am undeserving of love, happiness, and success, and that my perception of attaining those things must always be kept just out of my reach.
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Ludicrous, right?! I KNOW.
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​But what's even more ludicrous is that I am far from alone. Despite feeling alone, I know FOR FACT that many of us have patterns of self-sabotage and many of us hold subconscious beliefs about being undeserving and unworthy. We may have different patterns and hold different beliefs, but this is a lot more common than you may think. And so, despite whatever vulnerabilities this may expose, this is precisely why I wanted to write this post about self-sabotage and the stories we tell ourselves – I’m writing it for those of you who may also have this going on in one way or another and who feel alone.
 
In starting to work with this pattern, I found myself getting back to contemplating something which has always captivated me. My closest friends and clients, the ones who are always keen to nerd it up and to dive deep with me, know how intrigued I am by the dualistic themes of pain/pleasure and punishment/reward. How we use food, substances, people, money, sex, etc. to plug into those dualistic themes and how that, in turn, is linked to our identity and entire perception of Self.
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The things and the people we use, consciously or subconsciously to
FEEL GOOD or to FEEL BAD.

The things and the people we use, consciously or subconsciously to
​feel good or to feel bad ABOUT OURSELVES.

How we engage in behaviours and mechanisms linked to people and to things which ultimately serve to fuel the many stories we tell ourselves – the stories we tell ourselves ABOUT OURSELVES, ABOUT OTHERS, ABOUT LIFE. 
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When we start to get clear about the stories we tell ourselves, we can step outside of those stories and become the observer. And becoming the observer is the most powerful, transformative, and loving thing one can do.

Easy to talk the talk but do you TRULY believe it?

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​As always, some questions for further reflection:

• Are you aware of any personal patterns of self-sabotage?

• Do you notice yourself engaging in things and behaviours which serve to undermine you despite your best efforts?

• Do you notice yourself perpetuating cycles of pain-pleasure/punishment-reward?

• If so, are you aware of the people/substances/things you use to fuel those cycles?

• Do you notice certain addictive behaviours or tendencies determining what you must have/can’t have and how that plays on your self-worth?

• How do you use your relationship to food to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationship to substances to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationships with people to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationship to money to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationship to sex to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• Are you aware of how those relationships and the cycles they perpetuate are tied into who you believe you are and what you believe about yourself?

• Are you aware of how those relationships and the cycles they perpetuate are tied into what you believe about others and about life?

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In addition to facilitating local and distance sessions, I am now starting to work with the Bach Flower Remedies to provide extra support as needed. Please don’t hesitate to contact me HERE with questions or for further info!