​Dear Readers,

Had I been writing this blog post by hand, there would literally be a mountain of crumpled paper filling up every room of my house from floor to ceiling. I must have started this over a zillion times, to no avail, and to my utter bewilderment. For a topic so precious to me, for a topic that seeks to be expressed through me so genuinely, I couldn’t understand how every time I’d go to write about it, it was as though I was mired in cement. Every time I would reread my words they seemed so sterile, so foreign and detached, when that is the absolute opposite of what this topic sparks in me and inspires me to discuss. While I’m far from being an expert and have no desire to get into labels, this is probably one of the topics I can write about most passionately, only because of the extent to which it has consciously affected my life ever since I can remember. So, I’ve decided to scrap everything I’d written to date and to start fresh, to write candidly from the heart and just let it flow. Whether or not the term “sacred contract” means anything to you at all, it doesn’t really matter, as my intention is to write about it in a way that will make it relatable and accessible to everyone. Below, I invite you to discover how I’ve worked with the concept in terms of my own personal growth, and how you can too.

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​In case you were wondering, the image I chose to use above is not something I downloaded off the internet. That image happens to be a photo of my own hand with two words written in stark black Sharpie, serving as a very loud and much-needed reminder several years ago, during an especially challenging phase of accelerated growth, where I was determined to see the bigger picture despite my inner struggle.
 
While I realize that not everyone is inclined to distill a great depth of meaning from their relationships and experiences, this is something that has always come naturally to me and has held much importance. For years now, my favourite adventure has been to try and see through as much as I can while living it, to grasp both the dynamics of a given relationship and to understand its significance from a broader perspective while being in it.
 
That said, over the course of a lifetime we are brought together with many people in a wide variety of contexts. Some of whom we are born into relationship with and some of whom we come into contact with over time. While some people seem to attract us intensely, others seem to repel us as equally intensely, and some seem to generate an indifferent or neutral response. While certain individuals remain in our lives for decades, others are only there in passing. Some relationships are sexual, some are not, and some can be rather ambiguous. Sometimes the longest relationships can seem less significant than the briefest of encounters, and sometimes the deepest of bonds are beyond the blood.
 
We all have so many relationships in life - perceived as both imposed and chosen - and whether we analyze them deeply or not, we are affected by them deeply nonetheless. If you look closely at the trajectory of your life, I guarantee you will start to see a pattern, a message, something that has repeated itself time and time again throughout specific relationships to try to get your attention.
 
Though sacred contracts exist in all shapes and forms, and while I believe everyone we encounter is important, it is those specific relationships and messengers I want to talk about today - the change agents, the ones who hit you like lightning, the ones who pull at your heartstrings in a way you can’t ignore; the ones who seem to show up out of nowhere, who blow up your radar, and who turn your world upside down for better or for worse.
​

​In a previous post, which was published last eclipse season and which interestingly coincides with the eclipse season upon us now, I wrote about a succession of muses having graced my life since adolescence and elaborated somewhat in terms of the lessons these muses have taught me over the course of the past two decades. These individuals, these women, whom I lovingly refer to as “the lineage”, represent a select series of contracts, an extremely gifted cast and crew who have clearly agreed to support me in a very special way on my quest to unravel the threads of my own personal mystery.

​Although in retrospect I look back at each of these contracts with nothing but awe and gratitude, as they unfolded in real-time it wasn’t always easy. In fact, much of the creativity these women inspired in me and a great many emotions they catalyzed targeted a deep anguish within. It took years for me to get beyond the surface of what was being triggered to see the greater pattern - but once I did, much of my anguish gave way to fascination, to the desire to connect the dots and crack the code.

​While the lessons have been numerous and multi-faceted, and while each of these contracts has been unique, I understand that each of these women agreed to hold pieces for me; they agreed to hold the qualities and attributes I struggled to see and to accept within myself until I was ready to own them.

Whether we realize it or not, we came into this incarnation, into this body, into this experience, to learn and to teach. Despite how it may appear, we are living in great service to one another. Just like a movie, you are the star of your life. And, like any good movie, the big star always shines, surrounded by other stars who shine along with them. Flanked by protagonists and antagonists, the lead role in any production is always supported by a variety of other roles to assist them as the story unfolds.

The bottom line is that you are here to shine and others shine in your life to help you shine even brighter.
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​​Though I use the word shine, it is important to note that even the actor who plays the most nefarious villain will shine in their role. I use the word shine in terms of excellence in performance, in terms of the convincing factor. We must shine in our roles, both wholly convincing and convinced, no matter what they entail, because on some level beyond this stage we have made agreements from a place of great love - agreements which we must keep until they are fulfilled. Though it may be challenging and seem relentless at times, it is inevitable that at one point, the curtains will go up and that the true nature of who we are to one another will be revealed. It is only at that point that we will understand the extent of the love that exists between us to play these roles for each other with such absolute devotion.
 
That said, we are in a place right now, individually and collectively, where the messages delivered by our sacred contracts have the potential to finally be heard, understood, and acted upon with greater clarity and intent than ever before. Should we choose to work with the wisdom of what these contracts bring to light, we will find resolution and deep healing aligned with our purpose and destiny. Speaking from personal experience, becoming aware and choosing to navigate these relationships consciously, with compassion and gratitude for self and other, is one of the most incredibly empowering, rewarding, and transformative experiences one can have.

Those of you who follow my blog know that I typically like to sign off with some questions for further reflection. Today, however, I’ve decided to leave you with a special movie recommendation. One of my all-time favourite movies (interestingly from 1997, perfectly aligned with the 19-year eclipse cycle), is one which is sure to keep you on the edge of your seat and to illustrate one of the fundamental aspects of this post - if you have yet to see it, I encourage you to check out The Game starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.
 
EnJOY!! <3 

Dear Readers,

I realize it’s been many, many moons since my last Body Part Series post, and that going from the shoulders and the neck & back right to the genitals may seem like quite the jump... but I figure we've gone on enough dates in the span of a year... and don't pretend the subject matter didn't pique your interest ;)

All kidding aside, although I've chosen to officially categorize this as a Body Part Series post with info about the consciousness and symbolism of the genitals, this is most definitely a hybrid Musing, and a major one at that. What with a year of experience now as to how each of my posts have come to find the page, I understand that they truly happen in their own timing, and always in right timing. I can go for weeks without anything in mind and then it's like I go from empty to full in a flash, and need to get it out. Of course, I always hope that what I have to share is relevant and of value to you, but regardless of what you or what anyone else thinks, this blog is therapeutic for me in my own process as it helps me to synthesize aspects of my life experience, the subject and content always pertinent to my personal path and to my current stage of evolution. If you've been following my blog, you know that throughout the past year I've shared various layers of my healing journey, namely in Awakening to Authenticity through the Heart, Transformation and the Power of Community, and Inspiration and the Role of the Muse. Each of those posts reveal a different facet of my journey and what I've distilled through contemplation of my life, in retrospect. This post today is no exception, offering up yet another facet for your discovery.
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​Somewhat like my latest Musing, the idea for this post was initially sparked by a conversation with a dear friend. Our recent experiences had us discussing the concept of life as a spiral and had us looking at the Saturnine power of 7-year cycles and how those cycles of growth are really coming into view for us in a big way. Since my birthday last October, and starting a new 7-year cycle at 35, I'd already had several revelations in terms of these cycles... but what is unfolding now in my life has suddenly jetted me down the proverbial rabbit hole and is asking me to step out of my comfort zone and to step up into myself, once again, in a whole new way. Some of you know that recently I've been insanely inspired to create art - visual art - which is new for me as I've always been naturally inclined towards writing as my artistic medium. However, inspiration shows up in a myriad of ways and despite not having any technical skills or expertise I went with it and began to create images exploring the concept of mirroring, a theme which seems to be playing a vital part of a sacred journey of mine and which has been drawing me deeper and deeper inwards for “reflection” and for "integration".

Interestingly, as I delved further into my creative process, sudden memories surfaced and I realized that the art I was inspired to create was entirely reminiscent of artwork by a colleague I encountered at a BodyTalk Members’ Conference in the late summer of 2009... SEVEN YEARS AGO. This influx of memories brought me back to what was happening in my life at that time - both the sweetness and the suffering - opening a giant door to connect the dots and piece together something profoundly significant, and then in turn, to make complete sense of my entire life, a storyline revealed in methodical 7-year cycles, which, despite starting at birth, I could clearly make out and account for from the age of seven to thirty-five. You may be asking yourself what all this has to do with the genitals, but by now you surely know that I’m a storyteller and that, through all the twists and turns, just like with life, we will always get to where we need to go.
 
That said, those of you who have read my bio know that from early adolescence into my mid-twenties I suffered with chronic health issues. Though stated in the first line of my bio both on my site and wherever else it can be found on the web, I have yet to ever really elaborate on those issues in a public way, which is what I’m feeling called to do now as a next step in my personal and professional growth. Like I mentioned in my very first blog post last June, I have found much comfort and safety in working with people one on one but despite any fear or insecurity, it's time for me to expand further, and with confidence, into the public arena. This call to be vocal about what I will share today is not so much about being loud as it is about being true; true to myself, to my path, to my calling, and to my tribe. Though extremely personal, I know that my story is to be shared. More than ever I’m being guided to remember my purpose and how it weaves into my destiny, fully grasping the gift in the wound, understanding that what I am here to learn is also what I am here to teach. So, this post, although centered around the consciousness of the genitals and how one's sexual development and subsequent experience influences the health of the genitals, is even moreso about giving a voice to something powerful within me that seeks expression, about finding strength in vulnerability, and about restoring innocence in myself and in all those whose lives I touch.
 
Now, without getting too much into the details of my sexual development between 7 and 14 years of age - something I will save for future work I will be doing - there is still a good part of my story to be told here. What I will say about that time is that, like in any child’s life, it is a very normal time to be learning about one’s body, a time of innocence and discovery. Though I was never sexually abused and though the shadowlands of my experience surely pale in comparison to those of many, what unfolded for me as I was learning about my body generated an overwhelming sense of shame and guilt, and destroyed an innocence I didn’t even know I’d lost until long after it was gone. Little did I know that what I experienced during the course of those years was a trauma, only to fester and manifest into chronic symptoms which, though stemming from a place of protection, ultimately became a prison. At 14, as I was coming into my womanhood, and as all my friends were starting to hook up and explore their sexuality, an onslaught of gynecological problems began which not only alienated me from my peers but drove me into a deep state of depression and anxiety, from which I could only truly escape through a world of projection and fantasy, and subsequently, through substance abuse. What started as chronic yeast infections then morphed into various types of viral and bacterial infection - every time I was treated for one thing it would shapeshift into another so that all my free time outside of school was spent at the doctor’s office. Pills, creams, ointments, shuffled from specialist to specialist to no avail, I was on display, showcased as a grotesque example for groups of medical residents - a mystery, an anomaly; I just wouldn’t heal. The worst part, and my greatest source of suffering, was that each and every night in my sleep, I would scratch my genitals, often to the point of bleeding all over my sheets. Sometimes I would sleep right through the violence to wake in horror to the result of my self-mutilation whereas other times I would wake during, forced to bear witness as I inflicted searing pain upon myself, only to put an end to the unbearable itching by which my body was held hostage. For a girl who had once been so connected to her body and who had enjoyed so much magic in self-discovery, the weight of this experience and the secrecy it entailed to keep up appearances was inhuman. Isolated in my suffering, in agony every day, and terrified to go to sleep every night, I was revolted by my body, revolted by what I had become, revolted to be living a complete lie.
 
In the weeks leading up to my 21st birthday, after having endured 7 years of that madness with minimal stretches of reprieve allowing me to engage in relationship and to explore my sexuality with relative trust, I hit rock bottom on one of the days the world will never be able to forget: September 11th, 2001. As the attacks went down in New York, I lay there helpless, cutaneous ulcers covering my buttocks and spreading down my thighs, so scratched up from vagina to rectum that I couldn’t get up off the couch, let alone go to the bathroom without sobbing from the excruciating pain.
 
Despite my evasiveness surrounding the nature of my chronic symptoms, the first paragraph of Awakening to Authenticity through the Heart, the article I had originally written for JOYAH Magazine in the winter of 2013, says it all:

It was truly in that moment, as I was about to turn 21 and start a new 7-year cycle that I was propelled to bust loose from traditional Western medicine and probe into the world of alternative health in search for answers and relief. From 21 to 28 I was initiated into many original methods of healing, a new career in the field, and a set of opportunities which would one day prove to be the gateway to discovering gifts of mine and a passion I never knew I had. Although those years were filled with a great sense of hope in certain ways, they were filled with a sheer sense of hopelessness in others. Despite occasional breakthroughs in healing and despite the healthy professional hat I wore by day, I was still far from being healed and struggled heavily with alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs by night in order to cope. It was in my other epic post, Transformation and the Power of Community, that I opened up about the duality I felt within and the giant steps I took in terms of nutrition and fitness, steps that began in the fall of 2007. Though I did not discuss it in that post, those first steps were also aligned with my basic training in BodyTalk, culminating with my professional certification in the months leading up to my 28th birthday in 2008, which was to start yet another 7-year cycle.

As a new chapter began from 28 to 35, I was shuttled through major life changes with my Saturn Return. Unexpectedly, I got involved in what would become my first long-term relationship, moved to a different part of the city so that we could be together, and left my job of 7 years to launch my private practice. Somehow, in the spring of 2009, stars had lined up in such a way that I was healed to the point of being confident to finally enter this new relationship. After so many years of suffering and so many years of living in a fantasy world to escape the pain, I was grateful and beyond ready to find myself in a grounded, nurturing, and stable relationship where at last I could get back to exploring a side of myself that had been hidden away and shut down for too long. In my eagerness, however, a new apprehension arose; having been so traumatized and hung up on the perils of the past, as I began to engage anew in sexual intimacy there was something nagging at me, an adjacent issue that kept reflecting my underlying lack of self-acceptance and persistent self-loathing. In addition to all of the gynecological problems I’d endured, at around 18 years old, during one of those rare episodes of reprieve and while involved, I discovered I had a Bartholin’s cyst. In consulting with my doctor at the time, I was told that it was quite common, that besides the occasional discomfort and swelling experienced upon arousal that there was no harm as there was no abscess, and therefore no need for intervention. Yet... all these years later, after all I’d been through, this new relationship which defied my typical pattern in every way seemed almost too good to be true. And so, I decided that in order to be truly deserving of this relationship, to deserve this love being offered to me with sincerity and respect, to be able to allow myself to receive pleasure and to be fully seen, that I must aspire to be a woman with PERFECT GENITALS. Despite all of the healing that had taken place, despite the fact that I no longer dreaded the night and sharing a bed, I still felt defective and told myself that if I only had perfect genitals, there was no way I could be rejected, no way I could feel unloved or unlovable ever again.
 
Thus, in my cosmetic crusade, obsessed with my quest, I went on a wild goose chase and wound up agreeing to a somewhat unethical procedure in hopes to rectify the issue. I was so excited to be free of this unsightly lump, this lump that I felt was holding me back from true happiness and fulfilment... but upon submitting to the procedure, I was anything but convinced and suddenly feared that I had made a terrible mistake. What with my wariness impossible to conceal, I was told to relax, to give it a few days, to bathe in sea salt. To my surprise and delight, after a few days of sea salt baths it did seem to show signs of minor improvement and life went on.
​

A couple of months later, I found myself on a plane headed to Sarasota, Florida for the 2009 BodyTalk Members’ Conference. As fate would have it, I had the chance to engage in some very meaningful discussions with the founder, Dr. John Veltheim, whom, intrigued by my struggles, asked if I would be up for receiving a session as a demonstration for one of the conference keynote speakers, Dr. Amit Goswami, Theoretical Quantum Physicist. Beyond grateful for the opportunity, I was most certainly up for it and will admit, I had very high hopes. That said, the session I received was extremely intense and I was told that the work we did would be ongoing for the next seven to ten days. In all honesty, the session hit me so hard that I had difficulty focusing on the conference thereafter and spent a majority of that day and the next in the ocean, by myself, processing whatever it was that had taken place.

Upon returning home, still high from all the connections and learning, I was greeted with much anticipation and of course, still being in the honeymoon phase of my new relationship, was greeted with lots of loving as well. Confident that my gland was on the mend, it came as a complete shock and disappointment when suddenly, what had reverted to a small lump, started to swell. At first I believed it was simply a result of my heightened sexual activity but it became increasingly clear that there was something more to it than that. Despite the signs, I told myself it was surely part of the healing process following the session at conference and fought to keep the truth of my discomfort under wraps. By that Saturday night though, as I entertained dinner guests and drank wine with a smile, the reality was that I could barely concentrate, the swelling so great I could literally feel the gland pounding with exponential pressure under my jeans. That night, as I got undressed for bed, I discovered that the gland had swelled so much that it was almost the size of a grapefruit, and looking at myself naked in the mirror I cried and cried, horrified by the ironic result and consequence of all my vanity and desperation for some ridiculous idea of perfection. Notwithstanding the dire state of affairs, I was still in denial the next morning, writing frantic emails to John and to one of my greatest mentors in healing for help to no avail. That night, it was decided, in the face of all my resistance and dismay, that the next morning I would go straight to Emergency.
 
So, just shy of 7 years ago, on August 24th 2009, after an eight-hour wait in excruciating pain, I was admitted for surgery. Once again, I cried and cried, laying there on the gurney before the operation, feeling like a complete failure and utterly resentful that, after all the trauma I had endured at the hands of doctors in my younger years, here I was again looking like a freak on display and about to be butchered. I cried for the pain of my present experience and for the brutality of what I felt I’d been carrying around for lifetimes. In those moments, before the anesthesia, ancient lessons flashed before my eyes and suddenly, I understood why it had to happen this way, and that sometimes, healing, like inspiration, comes in many forms. Before I knew it, I was waking up in a hospital bed on intravenous antibiotics, with over 100 ccs of fluid having been removed from my freshly marsupialized gland.
 
That said, here we are coming full circle - or shall I say full spiral - winding this post down with the memories which recently resurfaced from the art I’ve been inspired to create. Looking back, I realize the great extent to which the past seven years have been instrumental in helping me move through the shame of my past and to experience a major phase of healing on all levels. My story is a prime example of how trauma can lead to dis-ease, demonstrating how consciousness affects the physical form. It was in having been held and met with such love and acceptance during some of my darkest hours that I was able to start the process of loving and accepting myself, of integrating my inner masculine and feminine, a process which continues and now blossoms with radiance, as illustrated by my current state of health and by the fruits of my creative journey. To be fully healed physically and to be so comfortable in my body - not only in terms of changes brought about by fitness but in terms of reconnecting with and embracing the innocence of my sexuality - is nothing short of a miracle. I am so very grateful for all of the love and support I have received along the way, and having synthesized so much and outgrown certain structures, am now feeling ready for the next level of exploration and healing that awaits as my 7-year biological, relationship, and career cycles converge and prepare for imminent rebirth.

​Some consciousness themes of the genitals include:
​

• Sexuality and sensuality
• Strength and empowerment
• Acceptance of self/others
• Openness
• Connection to Earth
• Grounding
• Fear of rejection

 
Granted, not everyone’s wounding revolves around this area of the body, but there are so many people, more than you know, who:

• Have had trauma linked to the onset of puberty
• Have been victims of sexual violence and abuse
• Are living with infection or disease of the genitals (sexually-related or not)
• Suffer from sexual dysfunction
• Struggle with their gender and/or sexual orientation

         ...and that is just to name a few

Unlike other parts of the body which are visible and deemed “acceptable” by society to struggle with openly, issues with the genitals, due to their private nature and sexual association, can be perceived as a stigma. Often, individuals will suffer in silence due to fear, guilt, and shame and the belief systems adopted to cope may translate into depression, anxiety, numbness, repression, inhibition, deviance, or obsessive-compulsive behaviour.
 
Also, lest we forget the powerful impact of pornography on our bodies and minds - how that can leave a deep impression as to what is considered to be “normal”, “attractive”, “desirable” both in terms of body image and of sexual performance. By the same token, much shame, guilt, and self-loathing can arise in rejecting or denying the feelings of arousal that pornography is intentionally designed to create in the body and mind. It is all too easy to internalize what we see and to then blame ourselves and judge ourselves, the beliefs and emotions triggered wreaking havoc, consciously or not.
 

The divine light in me honours the divine light in you
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With gratitude and blessings,
​Melanie ​✨

​​Dear Readers,
 
Once again, I'm astounded as to the impeccable timing of this Musing; completely unplanned and yet sparked at the most perfect and relevant moment. I realized, as I was writing, that tomorrow will be exactly one year since I launched my blog and that yesterday was exactly one year since I was gifted with a precious lesson as to the very topic of this post: THE CONSEQUENCE OF EXPECTATIONS. The honest to goodness truth is that my blog was born as a result of that whole scenario last June, and despite the discomfort it took to land me where I needed to be, in retrospect I could not be more grateful.
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​​Though the above is an important and synchronistic revelation, it is a by-product of what catalyzed this Musing. The actual catalyst was a recent conversation with a dear friend... one of those conversations where suddenly, something crucial is said that, in and of itself, creates a massive and imperative shift. In bringing me up to speed with where she was at, my friend casually mentioned having gone back to review some material online by someone we both enjoy and that her explorations led her to a quote of his that spoke to her very deeply:

​Although she was sharing about her process, in that instant, as she uttered those words, absolutely every perceived heartbreak and disappointment I have ever lived, consciously since about the age of twelve, made sense. And in that instant, the final pieces of that lesson from last June fell into place...

The CONSEQUENCE of expectations no longer perceived whatsoever in the context of
RESTRICTION, EXCLUSION, and PENALTY
 
The CONSEQUENCE of expectations now fully perceived in the context of
EXPANSION, INCLUSION, and LIBERATION

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​Having broached another angle of my journey to wholeness in a previous Musing, the last several months have made it undeniably clear that there is a HUGE process underway in my life serving to demolish the stagnant and limiting template I have always operated from. From the same predictable storyline I've weaved into my creative writing over the years to the very way I live my life, it is time to change the narrative.

The bottom line is that I can no longer do what I have always done. I can no longer behave in ways I have always behaved. There is no stopping what has been set into motion since last summer, an abundance of accelerated growth is upon me. My life and my heart are being cracked wide open, an influx of profound messages coming to me, a reverence for this process bursting forth that I can't even put into words.
 
Though ultimately this is a process I must undergo on my own, I am not blind to those who are in my life to assist me. In due time I will post a Musing dedicated to the topic of Sacred Contracts but for now I will simply say that some people show up in our life to teach us lessons that we really can't ignore, lessons that are crucial to our growth, to our purpose, and to our destiny. That said, I am amazed and humbled by the sequencing of events, by the practicality and direct application of what I've learned - especially in terms of what has manifested in my reality since that fateful day and since the launch of this blog last June. I realize I have been helped to grow in such meaningful ways and it is obvious to me now that this particular ally, this bright messenger who graciously taught me about the consequence of expectations and so much more, was a bridge from my past to my future and trained me with expertise to navigate this current unfolding chapter; a stunningly intense chapter fraught with unavoidable and demanding challenges, likely to be remembered as one of the most significant of my life.
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​​*Are you aware of the expectations you have of people, relationships, situations?

*Do you tend to have "positive" expectations of people, relationships, situations? 

*Do you tend to have "negative" expectations of people, relationships, situations?
 
*Do you believe others are responsible for living up to your expectations either way?
 
*Are you aware of how you feel when your "positive" expectations are not met?

*Are you aware of how you feel when your "negative" expectations are met?
 
*If so, how do those feelings impact your behaviour?
 
*If so, how do those feelings impact your relationships?
 
*If so, how do those feelings impact the quality of your life?
 
*Are you aware of the expectations others have of you?
 
*Do you believe that you are responsible for living up to the expectations of others?
 
*Are you aware of how others feel when their expectations of you are not met?
 
*If so, how do those feelings impact your relationship and interactions?
 
*What consequences have you perceived as a result of having expectations?
 
*After reading this post are you able to see things in a new light?

Dear Readers,
 
This past weekend I completed a fascinating course about the 38 Bach Flower Remedies, allowing me to incorporate them into my practice at long last. For those of you who are unfamiliar with these remedies, it is rather amazing as to how deeply and effectively they can contribute to one's healing process. It was truly mind-blowing to get properly acquainted with each of the essence profiles and to recognize personal themes as well as to spot themes observed in clients, family members, and friends. Part of the course work involved hands-on practice and, in addition to sitting in on several cases, I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to be one of the cases for the class myself.

​Having had a couple of weeks to contemplate what I wanted to work on, I really took a good look at my life, at both concrete and abstract things associated to the experience of suffering. Not just things in passing, but things I have observed as part of a pattern over the course of my lifetime, a pattern peppered with things that are obvious and things that shapeshift, oftentimes so seamlessly and cleverly that I can only see them in retrospect... and sometimes only after the damage has been done. Just because I play the role of practitioner doesn't mean I'm without wounding or above it all. No way, no how. I'm as human as they come. So, despite being in a position of exposing vulnerabilities to a group of professionals in class, and despite now exposing these vulnerabilities in a more public arena, I am committed to my own healing process and know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the more transparent I am in life and the more courage I have to face my demons head-on, the more clear and the more effective I will be in terms of myself and in terms of my service to others.
 
When the time came and I was called upon to sit at the front of the class, I asked for help with a pattern of self-sabotage and described a variety of ways that I've noticed it tends to manifest in my life. With the assistance of a gifted instructor and wonderful classmates, I uncovered certain beliefs and themes underlying this pattern of self-sabotage that has, and still does, play out in a myriad of ways and wreak havoc in my life. Despite how things may look from the outside, ultimately the mechanism that fuels the pattern and how it manifests outwardly is that inwardly, I believe I am undeserving of love, happiness, and success, and that my perception of attaining those things must always be kept just out of my reach.
​ 

Ludicrous, right?! I KNOW.
​
​

​But what's even more ludicrous is that I am far from alone. Despite feeling alone, I know FOR FACT that many of us have patterns of self-sabotage and many of us hold subconscious beliefs about being undeserving and unworthy. We may have different patterns and hold different beliefs, but this is a lot more common than you may think. And so, despite whatever vulnerabilities this may expose, this is precisely why I wanted to write this post about self-sabotage and the stories we tell ourselves – I’m writing it for those of you who may also have this going on in one way or another and who feel alone.
 
In starting to work with this pattern, I found myself getting back to contemplating something which has always captivated me. My closest friends and clients, the ones who are always keen to nerd it up and to dive deep with me, know how intrigued I am by the dualistic themes of pain/pleasure and punishment/reward. How we use food, substances, people, money, sex, etc. to plug into those dualistic themes and how that, in turn, is linked to our identity and entire perception of Self.
​

​As always, some questions for further reflection:

• Are you aware of any personal patterns of self-sabotage?

• Do you notice yourself engaging in things and behaviours which serve to undermine you despite your best efforts?

• Do you notice yourself perpetuating cycles of pain-pleasure/punishment-reward?

• If so, are you aware of the people/substances/things you use to fuel those cycles?

• Do you notice certain addictive behaviours or tendencies determining what you must have/can’t have and how that plays on your self-worth?

• How do you use your relationship to food to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationship to substances to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationships with people to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationship to money to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• How do you use your relationship to sex to feel good/bad about yourself, to feel worthy/unworthy, to self-sabotage? What stories do you tell yourself?

• Are you aware of how those relationships and the cycles they perpetuate are tied into who you believe you are and what you believe about yourself?

• Are you aware of how those relationships and the cycles they perpetuate are tied into what you believe about others and about life?

In addition to facilitating local and distance sessions, I am now starting to work with the Bach Flower Remedies to provide extra support as needed. Please don’t hesitate to contact me HERE with questions or for further info!

Dear Readers,

I don't know if it's the liberation promised by the recent full moon in Scorpio, the five planets in retrograde for the first time in over 10 years, or Venus having entered into Taurus but somehow, I'm feeling more at peace within myself and in my life than I have in several years. Not in a complacent or a resigned sort of way, but in a very grounded, deep stillness sort of way. For however long it may last, a certain restlessness of the spirit seems to have calmed itself, gracing me with a grateful moment of respite and healing. While some things continue to move forward with swiftness, others have all but ground to a halt and it's only in this perceived pause that I can finally see to what extent I'd been living in the past or projecting into the future, and where, amidst all my busy-ness and distraction, I'd been taking some profoundly beautiful elements and aspects of my life for granted.

In this slowing down, I’ve also had the opportunity to get back to my inner self and to contemplating ideas of personal and professional relevance. While I’ve been inspired to write about this subject since launching my blog last summer, these Musings work in their own timing and clearly, certain pieces had to fall into place before it could find its way onto the page. Some of what I will share today may ask for an open mind, but like with anything, I always say take what resonates and leave the rest. I am not here to convince you of anything, just to throw some ideas around. Below, I invite you to join me in an exploration on the topic of Guilt and Fear and, as per usual, I will leave you with some questions for further reflection before I sign off.

In my intro above I made several references to current cosmic happenings. For those of you who don't know me, I'm rather intrigued by astrology - not the cheesy pop astrology you’ll find at the back of a magazine or in the daily newspaper, but the real deal that illustrates the truth that we live in a holistic universe where every bit of matter, every bit of energy and every BEing impacts the rest of the universe in subtle ways. Though far from well-versed, I'm always reading and learning, deeply fascinated by how each planet, house, and sign represent archetypes of consciousness and how their interaction serves not to cause but to simply mirror, to describe, to “act out” our personal and collective experience, like a play.

​Unexpectedly, in late 2015 I had quite the eye-opening reading with astrologer Rick DiClemente, author of "The Exquisite Zodiac". If you can manage to wrap your mind around this, Rick specializes in applying harmonics to your natal chart in the aim to extract the themes and lessons you have come to master in this lifetime and to illustrate how those lessons are weaved into your destiny or what is known as your "Hero's Journey". If it sounds complicated, it’s not – complex, perhaps, but even having no knowledge of astrology whatsoever, Rick breaks it down in such a way that you can really see and understand the link between what you’re here to master and how that ties into your destiny. It’s a brilliant process, I was rapt, it all made sense and I'm still working with what was uncovered.
 
Now, you may be wondering what all this has to do with guilt and fear but rest assured, there is a method to my madness. I'm bringing it up because, though not the only theme - nor applicable to everyone’s experience - one of the strongest themes that Rick has observed in these readings is the sheer amount of GUILT and FEAR we humans are carrying around and are now working to bring into balance. Nevermind that the vast majority of us were brought up in a guilt and fear-based family environment and/or culture and/or religion (raise of hands, anyone?!) but the consciousness of guilt and fear has permeated our very existence spanning eons and epochs and lifetimes.
 
If this theme is particularly relevant to your own Hero’s Journey, it is possible that the extent to which it pervades your life, your relationships, and the health of your physical body is now coming into sharp focus. The weight of it can be crippling, utterly unbearable, because it is asking for your full attention, ready to shift bigtime. In Rick’s January 2016 newsletter, he discusses the ingrained culture, the "age" of "Mea Culpa" and how a personal and collective transition is underway to bring this age to an end, to shed this heavy sludge and step into our higher calling for once and for all.
 
Just as Rick, in his particular field of expertise, has observed how much guilt and fear we’re carrying around individually and collectively, I, too, have observed it in mine – in nearly a decade of practice I can’t tell you how often it comes up in session and how often it can come up for the same client as new layers are ready to be purged and released. While natural and pathological consciousness of the body almost always comes up to be addressed in the work I do, there is also a different set of themes categorized as “General Consciousness”, broader themes which pertain to the entire bodymind and to one’s experience of life, tied into one’s conditioning, belief systems, programs etc. One of these such themes is that of guilt and fear. Sometimes the way they manifest in our life is blatantly obvious, yet they can also be stealthy. Ultimately, we live out our issues around guilt and fear through CONTROL and JUDGMENT.
 
We attempt to control ourselves, others, or situations because:
We already feel fear about something or wish to avoid it
We already feel guilt about something or wish to avoid it
 
We judge ourselves, others, or situations because:
We already feel fear about something or wish to avoid it
We already feel guilt about something or wish to avoid it
 
All of this control and judgment has not only the capacity to wreak havoc in our relationships, but the rigidity it depends on to live day in and day out from such a heightened state of defense can manifest as chronic pain in the body. Imagine how much mental and emotional energy it takes to constantly monitor your actions and other people’s actions in the guise of protection - it is exhausting for the bodymind to endure and eventually, it will take its toll.
 
When we are able to release our attachment to guilt and fear, the need for control and judgment-driven behaviour gives way to spontaneous actions, authentic interaction, a significant reduction in stress, and improvements in health on all levels.
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​As always, here are my questions for further reflection. While they may not be the most comfortable questions, there is no one to answer to other than yourself – and in any case...

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• How aware are you of guilt and fear in your life and how you live them out?

• How much energy do you invest in controlling yourself, controlling others, controlling situations or your environment?

• Do you micro-manage yourself and others so not to feel “out of control”?

• Are you truly authentic in your actions or do you project a false personality with a hidden agenda?

• How important is it how others perceive you?

• Do you work hard at keeping up appearances?

• How judgmental are you of yourself and/or others?

• Do you use avoidance as a means to an end?

• Do you stop yourself from saying certain things or doing certain things to please others?

• Do you have chronic pain that will not seem to go away despite your best efforts?

If you or anyone you know is struggling with issues around guilt or fear, are caught up in control and judgment, or are dealing with stubborn chronic pain that won’t heal, I am available for local sessions in Montreal and in Pointe-Claire, and for sessions via distance to anywhere in the world. Please don’t hesitate to contact me HERE with questions or for further info.

Dear Readers,

Though the initial stirrings of this post occurred in early December 2015, it seems that it was only due to manifest now, three full months later. The seeds had been germinating, but I knew I couldn’t force it and trusted that it would unfold in due time. It is said that timing is everything and, while this post is not about astrology itself, today happens to mark the day of a powerful New Moon Total Solar Eclipse in the sign of Pisces, which has the potential to affect us all in deeply significant ways. One of the best articles I read about this eclipse discusses the event as a moment of profound choice which will reset the course of our lives for the next 19 years, and offers us the opportunity to look back at what was going on in March 1997, as well as this past September, to see if we can find a common thread. Without getting too detailed as to the themes of this eclipse, the Pisces/Virgo axis, to me, feels like the place where illusion meets reality, a place that I admittedly know all too well. Given that, and the symbolism of the dates, there is no coincidence that this was the right timing for me to write about yet another topic dear to my heart: Inspiration and the Role of the Muse.

While it is unfortunate that I destroyed my journals from adolescence in the fall of 2008, I realized, when searching for clues as to what was going on 19 years ago, that I still had access to my creative writing from that era. Looking back, it was in my early teens that my first official muse arrived swiftly, intensely, and unexpectedly. I recall not understanding what, how, or why, but that from one minute to the next, I was flooded with emotion and imagery, compelled to create, to write like I’d never written before. Though there was effort involved, there was an aspect that was effortless; touched to my very core, the words somehow found the page. By 16 years old, in March 1997, I was in the thick of it; so inspired by my muse, this young and impressionable teenager had literally written an entire book of poetry.

​From that muse flowed another, and another, and another, until a palpable pattern of muses emerged over time. As grounded as I have always been in my capacity to write, practically everything I've written for the majority of 19 years has been from a place of projection, rooted in pining for and blatantly romanticizing the intangible, the unavailable, the impossible. While on one hand, the inspiration catalyzed by my muse would be constructive in terms of my creativity, on the other, its effect on me was often extremely destructive; a double-edged sword. Just as the illusion of my projections allowed me to experience the most sublime inner landscapes and extraordinary emotional highs, the contrasting reality would inevitably come crashing down and plunge me into the dark depths of my own personal hell.

What I have learned, through these experiences, is that the muse, though potentially a palace, if abused or relied upon, becomes a prison. The more you try to capture it the more it captures you; pleasant and inviting at first, only to become all-consuming and detrimental to one’s very sense of self. One of my biggest difficulties this lifetime has been to understand the true role of the muse, to detach from the muse itself and to integrate the understanding that my projections have served to highlight the qualities and attributes I've struggled to see and to accept within myself.
 
That said, I feel that for me, the big lesson of this eclipse - a lesson which I have consciously observed starting to find resolution as of last summer - is to transcend the duality of the prison/palace, to own my projections, and to channel my creativity in a way that serves to ground my dreams into reality. I now understand that I can be inspired and use that inspiration to be of service to the whole, to share my passion and intensity with the public instead of making it about one person and burdening them with the weight of that passion and intensity. The very proof of that is this blog.
 
Lastly, I am coming to terms with the fact that, for the majority of 19 years, I gave my muse of the moment the responsibility of my experience; both the responsibility of my happiness and that of my discontent. I am coming to terms with the fact that, for the majority of 19 years, I asked my muse of the moment to hold pieces for me, pieces I was not able to hold myself. Though beyond grateful for my many muses, and for all they have inspired in me, taught me, and carried for me, I am now ready to be responsible for my own experience of life - responsible for my own happiness and discontent - and I am ready to reclaim the pieces they have held for me, understanding at long last that all the beauty, grace, strength, power, confidence, courage, authority, sensuality, sexuality and light I have admired and appreciated in them, is in me, too. Almost two decades later, at 35, I am finally not only seeing that but am now ready to embrace it with all my heart.
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog, for your interest in what I have to share, and for being a witness to my lessons in action. I will offer no questions for further reflection today, just this post, and allow you to contemplate what the first eclipse of 2016 means for you. Bon courage in these turbulent times, and may you, too, be the detective of your own life and uncover important clues that will help you to connect the dots and lead you to find GOLD... ✨

​Recently, I’ve been giving some extra love and attention to my website so that you can get to know me better and learn more as to how I go about my practice. The process of updating my Services page, elaborating about my approach, and creating content for my new sessions tabs has asked me to dig deep... and in contemplating the essentials, in gathering all that I want you to know, another Musing was suddenly born! Inspired as I am to get those new tabs up and running, when a Musing announces itself, I must heed the call. And so, here I am, with several web pages left unfinished, to broach a topic very near and very dear to my heart: The Gift of Acknowledgment.

As I sat down to outline the flow of my in-person and distance sessions and how I like to take ample time talking with my client before moving on to the energy work itself, I guess it hit me to what extent this aspect is deeply meaningful to me, and is often paramount to my client. My passion is connecting with people, pinpointing and unravelling the roots of one’s suffering - and I will say, that in eight years of clinical practice, it has been utterly astounding to see how many individuals, despite being surrounded by people, have gone through life without ever feeling truly acknowledged. It is shocking to see how many people lack relationships and interactions in their daily lives where they are met with compassion and empathy and truly feel seen, heard, and understood. Although this may not be considered to be a basic human need, I disagree - I believe that being acknowledged is vital for one to truly thrive and I believe that in many cases, the lack thereof contributes to an individual’s state of dis-ease. From personal experience I know how absolutely healing it is to connect with someone who acknowledges and appreciates you - not for what you DO, or for what you’ve ACHIEVED - but simply for who you ARE.

So, while some practitioners may not be overly concerned with their client’s conscious mind, nor keen to hear about everything they have going on, my experience is that this time spent talking together always proves to be highly relevant and rewarding for us both. Even though I keep a neutral perspective when we tap in for the energy work, nothing discussed ever goes to waste. Just as it brings me much joy to offer my full presence and to hold space for you to feel seen, heard, and understood, it brings me much joy to see that spark in your eyes in being seen, heard, and understood. Something so simple yet so elusive is a gift, and one which has the potential to set the stage for one to reset, to remember wholeness, and to return to a state of ultimate well-being.
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​​As always, I will leave you with a few questions for further reflection should you wish to explore:

• Are you met with presence, compassion, and empathy by the key players in your life?
• Are you able to reciprocate?
• Do you feel seen, heard, and understood?
• Do you feel acknowledged, appreciated, respected, recognized?
• Do you take the time to see, hear, and understand others?
• Do you show signs of acknowledgement, appreciation, respect, and recognition to others?
• How important are these things to you?
• If these things are important and remain unfulfilled, how do you feel?
• Do you have relationships where you are free to be yourself without judgment or compromise?
• Are you able to offer this to others?
• Do you believe that being acknowledged holds a key to healing for yourself and others?

​Dear Readers,

I've been feeling the pull lately to get back to my Body Part Series but just this past weekend, while in session with a client, a new Musing was sparked and it was sparked hard. This particular client had initially reached out to me for help with mysterious, skyrocketing blood pressure. As of her very first session, she experienced concrete results, and so we continued working together to further investigate and encourage healing within her body and mind on all levels.

What with the severity of her condition, my client had her own blood pressure monitor and was expected to take readings several times daily. Despite the significant positive shift in symptoms since working together, I noticed how tense she would get whenever she talked to me about taking her readings. Having brought her monitor in with her that day, I had the chance to witness the ritual live. As the cuff squeezed tightly around her bicep, she surveyed the fluctuating numbers with bated breath, her fear and apprehension tangible. In that moment, I truly saw how “plugged in” she was to the machine, how emotionally invested she was in its assessment, how her peace of mind and very identity was tied in to the numbers being generated by this piece of equipment!

Now, by no means am I dismissing the importance of adhering to the advice of one’s physician, nor am I critiquing the advantage of technology in the realm of Western Medicine - this observation simply led me to a massive revelation as to the many ways in which we, individually and collectively, are held hostage by numbers, how something so QUANTITATIVE and OBJECTIVE can become so QUALITATIVE and SUBJECTIVE - and in many cases, is given the power to control one’s state of well-being.

While I introduced this concept to you today with a story about my client’s blood pressure scenario, this could apply in so many other ways. What about:
​

• What the scale says?
• What size pants you wear?
• What size bra you wear?
• Your age?
• Your bank balance?
• Your salary?
• Your grades?
• Your ranking?
• Your client base?
• Your circle of friends?
• Your history of lovers?
• Your followers, likes, hits on social media and the web?

These are but a few examples, but examples which I'm sure many of you can relate to, and will agree can be quite triggering, whether consciously or subconsciously. Although the above questions yield NUMBERS as answers, what I'm getting at is:
​

​​The effect that numbers have on us is insidious, corresponding to a fictional measuring stick rigged and imposed by society. Although some numbers may elicit feelings of joy, accomplishment, and confidence, it seems that often they trigger fear, anxiety, and shame. Either way...

​

Again, those are just a few examples to illustrate CONDITIONS OF WORTH based on NUMBERS

How you feel about the numbers you’re plugged into will reveal a lot about your rules and your "shoulds", where you struggle for control and for acceptance.

With the above examples in mind and staying open to whatever else may arise, I will leave you with further questions for reflection should you wish to explore:

• Which numbers in your life are you personally plugged into?
• Which numbers, consciously or subconsciously, hold you hostage?
• Which numbers affect your thought processes and emotional state?
• Which numbers affect your sense of security, self-worth, and self-esteem?
• Which numbers influence your perception as to whether you are:

              - healthy/ill
              - fit/fat
              - wealthy/poor
              - valued/worthless
              - good/bad
              - popular/disliked
              - superior/inferior
              - successful/failing

These Musings, although inspired by whatever is making me think deeply in a given moment, are designed to ask the hard questions, and to get you, the reader, to think deeply along with me.

​Thank you for reading my blog!

If you or anyone you know is struggling to heal a physical, mental, or emotional issue, or is looking for more clarity on their path, I am available for local sessions in Montreal and in Pointe-Claire, and for sessions via distance to anywhere in the world. Please don’t hesitate to contact me HERE with questions or for further info.


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​So, by late summer 2009 I had all but officially moved north of the city and, what with being involved in a new relationship, I lived it up and enjoyed the honeymoon phase, abundant in all things good including good food and good wine! Life was great and I was eager to put down new roots both personally and professionally. However, having been separated from my dear yoga community and having experienced such a shift in gears, days and weeks of relative inactivity flowed fast and furious and by December 2010 I’d put on a lot of weight, felt lazy and lethargic, and despite my relationship, I felt rather isolated. As New Year’s Eve approached, I found myself struggling in a big way with what I saw in the mirror. While fully aware of the importance of loving and accepting one's self unconditionally, I had to acknowledge the fine line between acceptance and complacency. At yet another crossroads, I decided that enough was enough and I vowed to take practical steps to support true physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being once again. 
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                                                                                            First official Muscle Up at CrossFit St.Laurent - Sept 2013

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​Out of the blue, in the fall of 2013, a coach at CrossFit Laval who had witnessed my profound transformation took me aside and mentioned a potential opportunity with a local French magazine. Though bilingual, English is my first language and I was apprehensive, unsure as to whether I would be an appropriate candidate for their audience.

To my delight, the interview went really well and I soon found out that I had been selected! Before I knew it, I had experienced my first official photo shoot, and the article appeared in the April 2014 issue of Quebec's Moi & cie.
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​To those who have been, who still are, and who will become a part of my journey - your love, support, and encouragement is a true blessing in my life.

Thank you, thank you, thank you ​​💜

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​Dear clients and readers of my blog,

Despite the challenges you may be facing as we head into the New Year, may you find the courage and strength to honor the magnificent BEing that you are ✨

Wishing you happy holidays and all the best for 2016!